Ever felt like you were drowning?

It seems to be one opportunity to trust after another around here.

Last week, I got the call from the doctor who delivered our precious Cadyn just short of two months ago.  The genetic testing results were in.  The wait was finally over, my fears of something being genetically wrong could finally be answered one way or the other.  My mind spun.  I couldn't breathe as I awaited the results...then she said it. NORMAL.  I'm happy, right? Well, yes, but what happened to my sweet baby if it weren't genetic?  Then her tone changed and she told me I better sit down.  The room was spinning, the noise of my older kids playing in the basement disappeared.  All that stood between 'the news' and me was a phone line.  Then she said it.  I shut out the words.  I denied it.  I cherished it.  I was left speechless in the middle of my bed.  I could not talk, I could not cry, I could not feel.  Our precious Cadyn was a girl.  I never got to hold her precious hands, knowing she was a girl.  What?  I saw the male parts.  The doctor saw them.  The pathologist saw them.  How could this be?  There must be some mistake.  Did the tests get switched?  Maybe there was a misprint on the results, maybe it was wrong...

No.  Cadyn, my precious #6 was a girl.  

What do I do?  How do I change what my mind was set on?  When does the pain subside?  How will I tell the kids?  So many questions swirled through my head.  

Steering the boat through the typhoon

Pain, anger, hurt, fear, resentment, peace, longing, sadness, joy, the list could go on and on.  As one wave subsides, another roars into view and as I am hit by the torrent of emotion, I must find a way to stay the course and keep my eyes on Jesus.  How?  Why?  Is it worth it?  Will I make it through? My heart is broken and some of the pieces that are gone, will be missing until I hold my sweet babies in heaven.  Other pieces could be reattached if I could only lean hard into Jesus and hold tight to His Truth.  Psalm 10:17 says, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."  My heart is broken and He knows.  I don't understand the reasons and maybe I never will.  Yet, I find it a struggle to cry out to Him because it is He who took my babies home.  They were His first and He loves them more than I could ever love them.

Recognition of His perfect will is difficult in the midst of such pain and sadness.  I feel the loss, yet Cadyn and Josiah are home.  I should not long for them to be back here, rather I long for the day when our family can be reunited as one when we are all at Home with Jesus.  I make plans and I reorganize my schedule and I plan where life should be going, but only He has the power to make it happen.  I am living the life He has given me.  It's not my right to direct the show.  When I take over, the show is cancelled and ratings fall.  Yet when I allow Him to be the director of my life, ratings soar and peace overwhelms my heart.

I know my boys are safe and they are forever in the care of our Savior.  I know Jesus will is perfect and the pain and sadness will be gone as I am reunited with them one day.  The emptiness will be filled and there will be no more tears.  Yet for now, I must continue to steer through the pain and keep my compass set on my Savior as I work out the life He has given me and care for the children He entrusted to my care.

Whatever brings You glory...

One month.  I never ever thought a month could be so long and so heart-wrenching all while being full of sweet  memories and joys that exceed my expectations.  I miss Cadyn so much and yet I feel such enormous peace knowing that he is forever held by Jesus and will never experience the heart-ache and pain that is felt on this earth.  His beautiful face and the gentleness of what I can imagine would have been evident in his heart give me peace and hope for the future.  One day I will hold my baby boy and I will know the color of his eyes and the joy of my heart will be fulfilled in total.  I can only dream of the tremendous joy that I will one day experience when I see my boys and hold them all close.   God has given me such an enormous love for the children I have here on earth and I know that when I reach heaven, I will know the love of all six of my children and I will have full knowledge of the joy and love that God has for me.  I know that I only understand and am able to comprehend a piece of the love that God has for me and the vast joy He feels when I run to Him now.  I can’t fathom what it will be like when I am able to see my Jesus face to face and He can hold me in His arms.  There is no peace or feeling like it here on earth that comes close to what I hope to experience in heaven.  I believe God’s word is true and the nuggets of truth I have heard of His paradise are not anything I can imagine or grasp.

Just one month after my dear baby was given a name on earth, I feel peace in my heart knowing that God had already known him and had known the plan for his short life here on this earth long before Cadyn ever came to be and I know that God knows and planned for every hair on his sweet head and God knows the color of his eyes and all the other little details that I never knew of my baby boy.  All my boys are secrets and the details of their personalities and their precious bodies are known by my God and one day I will see them again and I will know them and I can experience eternity forever with my boys.  I pray that my boys, Gabriel and Grady, as well as my treasured daughter Grace will understand the love of Jesus in a real and personal way.  God gave me these six amazing children and I wonder almost daily if I am fulfilling God’s calling on my life to be the mother these three need and I pray every night that the desires of Jesus’ heart will become the desires of theirs and that when Jesus returns or when we go to see our Savior that once again we will all be united as the precious family I always dreamed of having.

Trials and triumphs pass, but the love of my Savior never waivers.  Really?, I ask.  Is there nothing I can do that will turn God away from me?  Nothing!, He says.  I don’t understand it, but I am grateful.  Only my God, who knows every person and desires a personal relationship with the most wretched of us would take the time to get to know me and would listen to all that I find wrong with my life and all the poor choices I have made, all the sin I have committed; then without a second thought He loves me and accepts me as His daughter.  I want to love Him as He loves me and though I know that I cannot come close to understanding His love for me, I know that one day I will bow before the precious Son of God and I pray that He will say He is proud of me and He loves me.

My emotions are overwhelmed with sadness and joy.  How do you experience joy and grief at the same time?  My heart hurts and my mind is spinning.  Will I have to wait til heaven to understand my emotions? 

Rain on Me

Isaiah 45:8 says "You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. 
       Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; 
       I, the LORD, have created it."

Rain on Me, Jesus

by Amber Kimball

Walking a tightrope, not knowing where I'm headed,

Facing circumstances of the heart that I want to let go.

Hopes and dreams I once had, now appear shredded

And the pain I feel in my heart, I don't want to show.

As I waiver and I shake, I fear the fall below me.

Challenging winds and distractions pull me down.

Chains grip my heart though I long to be free,

No one can see it, pain surrounds me like a gown.

Bring me Your peace, Lord, show me your heart.

As I look inside myself I see only sadness

Reminders surround me and pierce like a dart.

Refusing to grieve can cause inevitable madness.

You set me apart when I accepted Your Son;

Is it Your will that I heal and use this to lead?

I have been given life, the sacrifice is done.

Am I living out my days as the soul that you freed?

I cherish the boys that right now I can't hold.

Josiah and Cadyn in my heart you are dear.

You were spared from the pain to walk streets of gold.

Rain on me Jesus, make my path to you clear.

Oh how I long to know all my kids and hold them and watch them as they grow.  Yet God took the boys before they took a breath.  He spared them the trials, the struggles, the pain.  He is the rightful owner, yet I tighten my grasp and hope I can hold out til the Day of our Savior comes to fruition.  Spare me the pain and if you can't, Lord help me endure the emptiness I feel as I work out my life and desire peace above understanding.