Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Grab Hold of the Raft

Tonight by Jeremy Camp

In this time, I know I need to be more broken.
Then I find, I feel this passion grow, to face all that's been lost.
It's not too late to give control now.  I don't know why I wait, 
You're always calling me.

Tonight, I will take my cross.  Tonight I will count the cost.
Tonight, I realize to take hold of  this very moment.

In this time, You draw me by these words You've spoken.
I feel inside, this neverending hope. 
I've placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You.  
The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me.
I will take this moment.  And I feel that it's closer.  
And I kneel to show You this desperate heart of mine.

It's time.  I have spent almost seven years searching for how to hear God speak to me.  This weekend I attended a leadership training for MOPS that has changed how I think about hearing from God.  One of the speakers said it is time to stop listening for the whispers from God and start paying attention to the echo He is sending me each and every day.  I wait and search for how He is speaking to me, but each day I miss how He is echoing His unquenchable love for me.  He loves me more than I could ever love anyone or anything.  He loves me beyond reason and beyond comprehension.  He loves me beyond the heights and depths, beyond the sky and further than the wind blows.  Why? Is this really a question I deserve to ask?  I have to say no.  I deserve punishment and restitution, but He chose to sacrifice His Son and His Son chose to come and be punished and beat and treated as a criminal so that I could reach a Father who loves me more than I deserve and cares more than I will ever comprehend.  I am desperate to know the love of our Savior and am ever searching for the reason.  The reason is because He loves me.  What more do I need to know?  God's Word tells us our hearts will never understand and yet I waste so much God-given time wondering why and attempting to figure it out.  He just wants my heart.  

He poured out His love for me through the blood of His Son.  He took on all my trash and never questioned my motives.  He knew what a mess I would be and yet He loves me anyways.  What do I want?  What do I need?  Nothing more than I already have.  I must make the choice to accept it.  Accept the love of my Savior and take hold of what is already mine...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Storms Blowing Through

When I began this blog, I never expected I would have two sons to write and remember. The loss of Josiah was such a shock, I thought nothing in this life could ever compare to the pain I had experienced. I was wrong. I believe it is worse the second time around. A small part of me thought maybe it would be numbing to experience similar losses more than once. I guess the saying that all children are different applies here as well. My heart breaks as I think of that little face I held so close. I kissed him gently as I rationalized that it would be okay to let go because I will see him again one day and he will be Dancing with Jesus. I guess the reality of letting go didn't set in as I had anticipated. Subsequent losses only result in deeper pain and more questions. The 'why me' is still there but now I wonder if there is something my older children will deal with later in life because of their genes. Christ says, His grace is sufficient. I don't see His grace when I am in the moment, which makes it extremely difficult to recognize the grace being poured out on me.

I know He is always there and I know there are countless numbers of times when Christ has showered His grace and mercy on me. I look back and remember numerous instances when the winds of change blew from around me and yet the strength of Christ remained. How, then do I find the grace and mercy and power of Christ exhibited in my life now, when the greatest whirlwind of my life seems to be swirling around me?

Psalm 56:13 says, "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in you presence, O God, in your life-giving light." I know this life-giving light is right in front of me just waiting for me to grasp it. I see it yet so many days I glance at it and continue on, without realizing the peace and strength I have left behind. Christ tells us to take up our crosses and follow Him. Are we really naive enough to believe the crosses we bear are burdens we can carry on our own? You're kiddin' me, right... This life is but a vapor, a speck in the sight of eternity and yet we worry. God alone has rescued me and with Him as my Knight in Shining Armor, I have already won. Will I choose to take hold of what I have already been given or will I leave it behind and continue to carry that which is too weighty to bear?

Cadyn, my baby...no one will ever know the joy you brought, though you were here such a short time. Seeing your beautiful face, so peaceful. I cannot explain the enormity of thoughts and dreams I could see in your gentle face. Though those are dreams I had for you, the life that you are now living in eternity is the life you were made for. As I await the day when I hold you in my arms, I know that God will keep me focused on His prize so long as I keep my gaze on Him. You were, but once in the fold of my arms, but I will forever hold you in the depths of my heart.

Josiah, my son...what a blessing we saw in your little life. You brought the hope of Christ through the fifteen weeks you spent with us. Though you were gone before we ever had the chance to watch you grow, I know that God's plan for you was much greater than we will ever know. I don't understand why you and Cadyn had to go, but I trust the life you are living is joyous beyond my comprehension. The life I live is filled with mistakes and wrong turns, but I believe with all my heart that you and Cadyn were given to me as gifts from the Lord.

As I dream of my little champs dancing with Jesus, I am filled with peace knowing the life they are experiencing in heaven and the grace and mercy poured out by my Savior has spared them the pain and heartache of this world. As I journey on through the struggles and trials yet to come, I remember the gentle faces of Cadyn and Josiah. Though the dreams I had for them will never be, I am blessed with the opportunity to share the love of Christ with Gabriel and Grace and Grady as we travel together with their wonderful daddy and continue to experience the grace of our Father.

What I seen as good-bye in that hospital room was not really good-bye at all. It was merely See Ya Soon! The life I have here is not without purpose and though I struggle each day as I try to push through the pain and the emptiness I feel, I know that my path leads to eternity with Christ and a forever with my boys in heaven! See ya Soon my little Champs!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Cadyn Elijah

I don't know what God is doing, but I have to trust that what He is doing is good. I wrote this in the early hours of the morning, hoping to hear God speak to me about my heartache and pain...

Cadyn, My Angel

To my baby whom I carried
Yet I never saw your eyes.
Or show you all my love for you
Not even got to soothe your cries.

Our sweet Cadyn, we will not forget
The excitement we felt for you to come
Not holding you and cuddling I do miss
My heart feels broken, my soul numb.

Cadyn my angel, you are
Cadyn my angel, you'll always be.
Forever I will hold you in my heart
One day I will hold you in eternity.

My Josiah

I wrote this in August, just days after Josiah went home to be with Jesus.

For Josiah David

His little fingers, his little toes,
those little ears and his little nose.
All so perfect and so small.
I can't believe he never took a breath at all.

My heart is broken and I cry.
I feel so empty and can only ask why.
He was so beautiful, yet we know,
God was ready and he had to go.

Holding him close, wishing time would slow
There is a reason, but why we don't know.
God is sovereign and He has control
Yet wonder and question, my mind does roll.

Forever on my mind, I will never forget
Always in my heart, I will never regret.
You came to us on this summer day,
Forever with King Jesus is where you'll stay.