Previous methods of coping and old ways of handling stress have crept back into my thoughts. I don't like the repercussions that come with the former reliances I placed on myself. However, the time taken to kick in was much faster than waiting and wishing and hoping for a release and a refreshment of my faith. I try to shut these ideas out and not give them power but the fear of being stuck in this nightmare forever seems to help me fuel the thoughts of taking matters into my own hands. I will screw things up, but I feel pretty screwed up right now anyhow.
I want to bring God glory. He gave up everything, more than I could ever imagine. So, I refuse to give into temptation. Yet I wonder where the testing will take me. Is it testing? Is it trial? Is it sanctification? What is the purpose and how do I handle it when I don't know the purpose in it nor do I see the joy in the midst of this battle?
I was hoping to type this out and reason through it so that I understood what was happening. I think I just confused my own brain and now I am sad that I couldn't help the confusion.
Oh well....better luck next time!