tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20570317574605546042024-03-13T23:10:10.653-05:00Jesus Bring the RainThis is the story of our precious babies who Jesus took Home to Himself before they took a breath on this Earth. I pray hope and restoration will be a result of these writings. God bless you!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-55585203780093157302013-05-28T22:04:00.001-05:002013-05-28T22:04:22.914-05:00Pictures on the WallThis morning as I read my daily devotional, I was struck by the words that jumped at me. Words I have read a dozen times, that never seemed to have much effect on me. Words I had heard at church and even read to children during Sunday School. But today those words were different. Today, God used those words to speak directly to my heart. As I read the Scriptures I was struck by what my mind was thinking as if I was having a conversation with myself about what I was thinking...not making sense? Yeah, at first it didn't make sense to me either. It was as if I were looking directly at myself while I spoke the words aloud. In Deuteronomy, chapter six it is written that we are to write the Word of God "on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Well, sure that sounds easy enough. How many times have I walked through a store here in town and saw a beautiful picture with some heartwarming scripture and thought to myself, "Yeah that would look cute in the family room." But is that really what we are to do? Is the picture on the wall what I need? Is it going to teach my children to know Jesus? Will it remind me to read my Bible? Does my heart fill to overflowing by reading the words on the wall? Sure, it is a great picture and the words are even greater, but does that fulfill those words in Deuteronomy? Did I do as I was commanded by buying a picture and putting it on the wall?<br />
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When I began to pull apart this small portion of Scripture I was deeply convicted by what I read. Deuteronomy 6:4-12 says, <br />
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<span style="color: #001320;">Hear, O Israel! The L</span><span style="color: #001321;">ORD</span><span style="color: #001320;"> is our God, the L</span><span style="color: #001321;">ORD</span><span style="color: #001320;"> is one!</span><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-5.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>5</b></span>“You shall love the L<span style="color: #001321;">ORD</span> your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-6.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>6</b></span>“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-7.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>7</b></span>“You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-8.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>8</b></span>“You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-9.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>9</b></span>“You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.</a><span class="brk"><br /></span> <a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-10.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>10</b></span>“Then it shall come about when the L<span style="color: #001321;">ORD</span> your God brings you into the land which He swore to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you, great and splendid cities which you did not build,</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-11.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>11</b></span>and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn cisterns which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied,</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/6-12.htm" style="color: #001320; text-decoration: none;"><span class="reftext"><b>12</b></span>then watch yourself, that you do not forget the L<span style="color: #001321;">ORD</span> who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.</a><br />
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Am I listening? I know that the Lord is God. I know the commandment to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and might. I know that those words are to be on my heart. But do I? Do I teach them to my children? Am I diligent in what I am teaching them? When we are sitting around the house in the evening and there is conversation, is it about Jesus? When we are driving through town on our way to our next activity, are we talking about Jesus? I read a devotion with my son at night and sometimes we talk about it, but many times I walk away wondering if it is just something we do. I pray God is using it in his young life, but am I diligent? <br />
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Take a moment and think about what the scriptures are that you have in your home. Do you know them? Do you obey them? As I went through the course of my day, I thought back to that Scripture many times and thought about the seriousness of what God had spoken to my heart. What am I doing to bind those words to my heart? God has promised great and splendid cities. But He commanded me to LOVE Him. First, last, most, only! Oh, how quickly the Israelites forgot. We are quick to think that they were dumb to forget something so important. But, can you recite the Scripture in your family room? Can you recall the last time you talked to the Lord about the goings on in your day?<br />
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What are the pictures on the wall of your heart? Do they reflect the same pictures as the pictures on the wall in your family room?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-27780853645244866562013-02-10T22:15:00.003-06:002013-02-10T22:15:42.824-06:00The diagnosis...As I sit in my recliner thinking over the day's events, I cannot help but smile. I think back to five years ago and how different life was. Five years ago tonight, I was lying in a hospital bed in ICU contemplating whether I would leave the hospital alive. What is wrong with me? How could I be so sick? That morning, my husband, our three beautiful children, both sets of parents and countless friends and members of our church family watched as we dedicated our Grady Jerome to Jesus. Now, here I am in a hospital room barely clenching life and no one in the medical community could explain why I was near death. What was ravaging my body? How had sickness overtaken me and I had not recognized it? Will I ever leave the hospital? What about my family? My husband? Our children? Questions rolled through my mind like the tide rolling into shore. As these questions continued to run through my mind, I cannot describe in adequate words the peace I felt. Complete, inexplicable, reassuring peace. God was in this and He already knew what was wrong, why I was sick and how my life was about to change.<div>
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Over the course of ten days, God showed me so much. He proved once again He is faithful. He showed me the reality of my mortality and the truth that death is real. God gave me a sense of urgency for living in the moment and loving unconditionally through the pain. I spent time with some of the most incredible nurses in the world and was reminded of the blessing of family. I visited with doctors, nurses, infection control specialists, internists, you name the specialist, and I probably spoke to them in the course of my stay at the hospital. Doctors from Omaha came to Kearney and visited with my internist trying to decide what was going on and why I was experiencing such rapid and significant illness. The onset of symptoms erupted like the explosion of a shaken soda bottle. One minute I was well and like the flip of a switch, here I was lying nearly lifeless in a hospital bed. What was happening to my body? I was 26 years old. I was too young to get sick. I was too healthy to be in ICU. Right?</div>
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After finally discovering a blood infection and the complication of Influenza B, medication and a lot of it was to be the cure. After one dose of several medications I was beginning to gain energy and after three days in ICU I was cleared to ''pass go'' and move up to PCU, (the progressive care unit). I still remember sitting on the bed and smiling as they brought my food tray because I was hungry. However, less than thirty minutes later, I was sick and had the strangest feeling like my legs were burning. Well, for anyone who has spent a significant amount of time confined to a hospital bed, you understand the fascinating and agonizing contraptions that are wrapped around your legs to guarantee proper circulation due to inactivity when one is bedridden. Why on Earth did I suddenly feel like my legs were on fire. After calling the nurse and upon observation of my legs, we (mostly the nurses) discovered I was having an allergic reaction to one of the medications. I was having a reaction, which made my legs bright red as if I fell asleep in the August sunshine. Back to the drawing board fellas...New medication was ordered and I spent the next twenty four hours hoping never to get near a fire or expose my bare legs to sunlight again, ever! Eventually I began to feel like I might live and the doctors agreed! People were allowed to come see me without dressing up in protective gear like we were all on an episode of Scrubs and I began to go stir crazy because I wanted to go home, sleep in my bed, have my kids climb on me and get back to my life. After ten days in the hospital, I was given the green light to go home. Back to my life...or so I thought.</div>
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My life is so different. Some ways I would argue are worse. Some I would undoubtedly agree are better. It wasn't until May 2008 when I sat in the rheumatologist's office and received the diagnosis that would change my life forever. Lupus. What is that!? Oh how much I have learned! Life is such a journey. And on the road of my life, this diagnosis has taken me through some winding mountain roads that I never expected to venture. Nothing could have prepared me for the changes that would happen, for the changes that HAD to happen in order to venture through this new life, my new life. Hand sanitizer and Lysol are now on the grocery list as often as milk and eggs. Every illness I catch is an opportunity for me to choose faith or fear. Each new ache is another question mark on the page of symptoms and signs of progression. Will it take my life? One day, yes it could. But not today. Today is a day I will live for the Lord. I will make a difference for my Jesus. I will fight for my family and I will sing for my Savior. Five years ago, God smiled and exclaimed, "Be calm my child, I'm not finished with you yet." And as sure as I was that day, I am sure of it today. I will live for my Lord and I will love for my Lord. I will use the breath He puts in me to praise Him and I will use the days He gives me to proclaim His name.</div>
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I have Lupus. Lupus don't have me.</div>
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For more information on what lupus is and how lupus affects those of us ''lupie'' survivors, search The Spoon Theory to learn more!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-55284365006539846792012-05-25T13:47:00.000-05:002012-05-25T13:47:29.413-05:00Five Year Plan<div>
Remember when you were ready to graduate high school and everyone was making plans to go to college or find a job and settle into life as an 'adult' but really we were just looking for freedom from parental figures and a chance to make our own decisions...even if they were poor ones!? I was asked by many, "What's your five year plan?" and though I knew I was going to Ju-Co and wanted to play volleyball, I hadn't thought too far beyond that. Well. I was not given a scholarship because a certain coach thought I was too short to play and I didn't perform well under pressure that day. I had not applied to any other school, so my options were pretty limited. I went and ultimately played two years, which if you are doing the math, means I went to junior college three years. At the start of my second year of Ju-Co, I met a boy. We were almost complete opposites, except we both loved Jesus and wanted to live our lives for Him. I didn't expect to fall in love with this boy, who was truly a man living for Christ. I didn't expect to get married and I certainly didn't expect to be expecting our first child on our one year anniversary. So, in answer to the question about my five year plan, well, the first five were not at all what I would have planned!! Thinking back over the most recent five years, I wonder if a five year plan would have done any good in either case. The past five years have been full of hopes and wishes I would have never thought possible and pain and heartache I could not explain, but would not trade a single moment for all the money in the world. <br />
<br />Our last five years have been so full of mountaintop experiences and dark, silent valleys. Through it all, we have seen the hand of God move and grow us in ways we can't explain and couldn't have imagined. We have changed in ways no one would have imagined, including us. We have faced trials and triumphs, successes and sinkholes, failures and feeble moments of doubt. So often I think of the past five years and relate to the song lyrics that say, "I say Amen, but it's still raining." I am cognizant of the truth that God could wipe away the pain and clear up the storms in my life with the blink of His majestic eye. However, I know that He wants only good for me and doing so would only hinder my chance at glorifying Him and my chance at hearing those words, "Well done, Amber. Well done." would not be possible without the struggles and opportunities God has given me and our family to grow and succeed at glorifying my Father.<br />
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As we approach this holiday weekend, I wonder where God will take us as our lives unfold. I wonder what the next five years will bring. I wonder many times what the next five minutes will bring! ;) At any rate, I look forward to the work God is doing in my life and I press on toward that goal that I know God has already prepared for me in heaven. To see His face, His sweet and gracious face!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-3030011556743427712012-05-25T13:26:00.001-05:002012-05-25T13:26:19.126-05:00Happy Memorial Day weekend!<div><p>Happy Memorial weekend everyone! What a blessing it is to have so much to be thankful for. Be safe and enjoy time with your family. Time for some cleaning out of old stuff and organizing of the house to welcome summer. Hope the family is up for it!!</p>
<br/><img src='http://lh5.ggpht.com/-SbrLTGKpJgg/T7_OyO0hlbI/AAAAAAAAAKI/xHAvH0aaOXw/IMAG0367.png' /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-21745139963113867522012-04-13T13:07:00.002-05:002012-04-13T13:19:51.168-05:00Happy Birthday Cadyn Jo!Three years...has it really been that long!? I remember it like it was yesterday! God has given me such an incredible adventure to live. Do I feel the pain of losing my baby girl? Every day. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of what life would be like with my precious CJ. And yet God has blessed me with children to love and devote my time to that would not be a part of my life if Cadyn were here for me to raise. God has opened my eyes in so many ways over the past three years. I do not understand and yet I trust. I don't always like it, but I am not ashamed to say that I share that dislike with my Lord everytime it rears it's sometimes ugly head! Times have been tough and our walk has not been easy but my Lord has carried me through each difficult moment. As I reflect on the last three years, I am grateful. I am sad that I do not have my baby here for my selfish reasons, yet I am so thankful she is perfect and righteous and has to feel no pain.<br /><br />Life comes at you in ways you don't expect. The storms of life blow in and in a moment the warm sun has been overshadowed by the dark clouds of pain and the winds of adversity blow but the strength of my Lord has held me to the ground and kept me steadfast on the path to heaven. I am not saying life has been all roses! Far from it actually. Yet the promise of seeing my precious Cadyn has given me something to look forward to when the wind blows and the rain is pelting my face.<br /><br />Are you facing the rains and winds of life? I know the weather can be such a stress for my body because of the changes it invokes when my muscles ache and my joints get stiff. But how much does the weather of my spirit influence my daily life! When I invite the Lord to walk through my day, the tornadoes of pain and fear can swirl and yet the weather in my soul is clear and beautiful. Take heart, my friend. The joy of the Lord can always bring the warmth of the Son!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-73887285984186327122012-01-25T11:52:00.005-06:002012-01-25T12:36:08.494-06:00Life is no funJanuary 2012...where are you? I remember all those years ago sitting in school, daydreaming about where I would be when I was a 'grown-up' and had a career. Did I ever daydream I would be caring for twelve toddlers? Nope. Did I ever imagine I would have six children by the time I was 30? Not a chance! Would I have written my story differently? Better? Well, I can definitely say I would have left out a few of the painful moments, and probably would have avoided some of the mistakes, but if I were presented with the opportunity to do life over, I can not honestly say I would want to do it differently. My life has been a rollercoaster of trials and triumphs. Jubilation and tribulation. Joy and Sadness. Pain and perserverance. One thing for sure, it has not been dull. Just last week, my four year old complained before bed that he was unsatisfied with the day and was not ready for bedtime. He attributed his dissatisfaction to a lack of 'funness' and whimpered as we climbed the stairs to bed that he could not sleep without having some 'funness' first! Do I ever look back at my life dissatisfied? Do I complain to God and whimper that my life does not have enough funness? When did we get this insane idea in our heads that life is suppose to be fun? God tells us from the beginning that life is going to be hard. He promises that there will be trouble, but he reminds us that we are not alone and in this life we must remember that He and ONLY He has overcome all the worlds' troubles. Adults spend millions of dollars and countless hours trying to make life fun, trying to forget the troubles that we all must face. But why? Wouldn't it be easier and let's face it, a whole lot less work, if we all agreed that life is hard and sometimes we must deal with having absolutely zero 'funness' but that doing this life together as friends and co-travelers would bring us true joy. I need true hope, true joy; I don't need some artificial happiness any more than I need artificial sweetners. I need the real thing! I want to know that the joy in my life comes from the True Source and that no matter what happens and no matter what my troubles may be there will be triumph in the end. Everything, everyone, everywhere is set here on this earth, in motion or at rest, for the glory of God.<br /><br />I heard a story on the radio today about Joni Erickson Tada. She was talking about the strength to perservere and the details of her life in which God has been present. Did you know that she trusts and believes that God was so interested in her that He was involved in the details of her life down to the color of her hair? You see, Joni is a quadrapalaegic. She was injured in a diving accident many years ago that left her in a wheelchair. The day prior to this accident she died her hair with peroxide. At the moment of the accident, her sister jumped into the water to save her life because she noticed the bright blonde color of her hair. Had she not dyed her hair the day before, her sister doesn't know that she would have noticed Joni face down in the water. Can you believe it? A quadrapalaegic woman who is so devoted to serving the Lord Jesus, she believes that God was involved in the color of her hair!! I don't know about you, but I don't think 'funness' would be on the list of words for Joni when she thinks back to that day. And yet, the God of the universe, the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, Almighty God, our Creator, the Maker of Everything had a hand in the details of Joni Erickson Tada's life from the way she would spend her life and the ministry she would have due to her challenges as a quadrapalaegic and He was interested in the color of her hair!<br /><br />Life is no fun. I agree. Life is not fun. God didn't intend for it to be this way. Yet He has a plan. He loves me and He knows the details of my life. Even when I don't like the details He knows what each one is for and He knows why each one has its place in my life. My outlook on life has changed so much over the course of the past year. I have no idea where the next year will take me and I have no idea what path God will lead me on. I heard the saying just recently, I don't know what the future holds, but I know that One who holds the future. I often forget that I have no reason to worry and fret because the One holding my hand is also the One holding my future. I guess that's why it's okay for life to hold no 'funness' for me. I don't have control of the levels of 'funness' in my life and right now I'm very thankful for that. <br /><br />"Just because her eyes don't tear, doesn't mean her heart don't cry.<br />And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong."<br /><br />God be with me as life takes its turns through the cave of No Funness...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-64648259033042340992011-01-16T23:10:00.000-06:002011-01-17T07:03:05.797-06:00Overflowing<div>So, I have been thinking about this post for some time now. I kept thinking I needed to write and get it off my chest and share my heart but I often sit down in the comfort of my computer chair and I find myself over-analyzing, checking, rechecking, questioning and rewording everything I write. I am not a professional writer, though I aspire to be. I am not as articulate as I would like to be, though I would like to think I could have an intelligent conversation. I enjoy writing, though I find myself faced with wording the thoughts in my head to make sense when they come spilling out. You know those papers we had to write back in high school that would seem really easy and then once the outline and main ideas were there, the details seemed just a bit sketchy or it didn't flow just right? Maybe that was just me. Anyways. Whenever I sit down and try to write, I tend to think through the outcome of the total composition rather than writing and enjoying the experience. I love to write. Love it!! </div><div><br /></div><div>As I think about many of the times in the past I have written, I think of the experiences I have had, dealt with, enjoyed and endured in my life. As I have embarked on a new chapter in my life, I have become more retrospective and have approached each day with a different outlook. I have begun to see each day as independent in it's own right, but connected to a larger picture much like the many colors involved in an artwork. Each color is beautiful in itself, yet combinations and mixtures bring vibrancy to the artwork as a whole. I have good days that are really, really good. I have bad days that are really, really bad. Yet I know that I am given each new day to make choices and decisions that will affect the journey through my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>What am I babbling about, you are probably thinking...</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been thinking a lot about the people who have been with me in each experience that comes to mind. I am humbled and honored to think of the friends and family who have been by my side through all the experiences. Most recently I think of the new friends I have made as I have begun my trek through life as a working mom. Nothing could have prepared me for the depth of relationships I would build in such a short time. I have made some of the most amazing friends whom I am thankful have been there with me as I skip, run, or cry my way through each day. Is this a secondary result of my newfound career or are the friendships the reason God placed the opportunity in front of me at this time? Many times I have questioned and analyzed my way through experiences similar to this one. I always have the reminder in the back of my mind that friends come and go, many times only staying for glimpses of the journey. Not this time, at least I don't think anyways! </div><div><br /></div><div>I have felt an overwhelming sense of joy and thankfulness for my dear friends who have walked this journey with me. Those still walking and those who have taken a different path through life. I appreciate each friend who has impacted my life. I am grateful for you all. I am thankful for those who have come and gone and I am honored and humbled to have those of you who are still embarking on this travel experience. Thank you to each of you for the blessings you have been to me. Forever I will be honored to call you friends. Thank you for being you and helping me to continue growing and learning who I am and who I am being molded into.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you friends. Each of you know who you are!!!!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-63693389561972292302010-12-31T19:17:00.003-06:002010-12-31T20:07:58.104-06:00Hello & Goodbye"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, <div>and you shall see that in truth you are weeping </div><div>for that which has been your delight.</div><div><br /></div><div>Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," </div><div>and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."</div><div><br /></div><div>But I say unto you, they are inseparable.</div><div><br /></div><div>Together they come, and when one sits alone </div><div>with you at your board, remember that the </div><div>other is asleep upon your bed.</div><div><br /></div><div>Verily you are suspended like scales between </div><div>your sorrow and your joy."</div><div>-Kahlil Gibran</div><div><br /></div><div>As I sit here reminiscing of the past year, I find myself browsing the library of my mind as I picture sorrow and joy pulling one another in their preferred direction. Are they fighting? Are they working together? Is it love? Is it war? So many things have come to pass. A chapter has been closed in my life and a new one opened. I say hello to a new year full of opportunity and promise, but in that say goodbye to another year of life. Another year of growth and another year of struggles. So many things have changed and facing the future seems scary and uncertain. I wonder as I watch the flashes of life whizzing by, have I captured every opportunity that God has given me to share His hope? Have I missed the possibilities to relive the memories of the past? Friends have moved away, family has met and made memories. My career as stay-at-home mom came to a screeching halt as I dove headfirst into the population of moms working outside their homes. I was asked so many times, how I could handle every day at home with the kids. Most popular question: "What do you do all day?" Are you kidding? I loved being at home and would not give back a single day of enjoying the growth and changes of my precious children. As I catapulted myself into the career world, I felt like a freshmen walking into my first day of high school classes. I was new to the school and the school was new to the district. Everyone in the building had consolidated from three different schools. Everyone, that is, except me. Walking into my first day of work released an inequivalent feeling of anxiety and fear. Twelve children, 18 months to 2 years old, looking up at me with the same look of fear. Each of their precious faces painted with terror. Three months later, I feel a sense of responsibility to these precious children. Not like the feelings for my own children. The responsibility of influencing the children that look to me for love when their sad, compassion when they're hurting, discipline when they are searching for boundaries; these children come each day looking at the world as a blank canvas. When did I lose the ability to look at each day as new and unique to none other? </div><div><br /></div><div>As my mind is wandering, I think back to the different holidays and gatherings experienced over the past year. Kids are a little older, parents are a little wiser. Yet when we gather together, its as if I am in high school again and we are getting ready to eat a meal together. We have changed and we have grown. We have said hello to new adventures and said goodbye to those whose journey was complete. I have celebrated anniversaries of times past and have dreamed of reunification one day soon. What does this all mean? I have run through several bunny trails on this blog through my mind. Yet I am right back to the point at which I began. What does the next year hold? New adventures? Deepening friendships? Memories made and journeys successful? Goodbye 2010 and thank you for the memories. Hello 2011! What do you hold for me? I took the plunge nearly 10 years ago to devote my life to the Lord Jesus. On Sunday, I will celebrate a new life (2 Cor. 5:17) and grieve the results of choices made as a child that should only be made by an adult. I know the key to my future and I know the future is held with the key. He will unlock the door of the new year and I will continue on my journey to His kingdom and my Home. </div><div><br /></div><div>I pray the start of a new year is every bit as refreshing as the cool breeze on a warm spring day. I don't know what the future holds, but I know the One who holds the future!</div><div><br /></div><div>God bless you as you go into the new year! </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-39181600417001747282010-09-05T22:18:00.004-05:002010-09-05T22:48:36.492-05:00I will, will you?What drives you? Where do you find your energy and your passion? What gives you goosebumps and makes your heart skip a beat? I think of a time in highschool, being an athlete, when I walked out of the lockerrooms heading for the gymnasium. I could smell the popcorn and hear chatter from the children in the halls. As we walked to the single door where we would enter the battle zone, I remember the silence I felt in my heart and the indescribable energy in my bones. The door snaps open, our team begins to jump, feeling the energy from one another and allowing adrenaline to urge us on as if each of us held a piece of the fire and alone we were a spark, but together we are a forest fire of confidence and anticipation. Just as we cannot hold the energy anymore, the announcer comes over the speakers and we burst forth onto the court, cheers and applause feeding the fire. On that day, in that moment, we were on top of the world. We were champions before the battle begun. <br /><br />An athletic analogy, yes! Would you expect anything less? I reminisce about this experience and wonder, where is the fire and anticipation in my spiritual life? Each morning before my feet touch the floor, God is giving me the opportunity to burst into the battle zone of life and face each day of this life with the confidence of knowing Christ is the champion and the battle has already been won. Will we choose to live as champions and push forward to a 'game' that's already decided or will we shrink back and play not to lose? <br /><br />I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection, becoming like Him each day and knowing Him more every minute. I catch myself doing to please Him, when all I truly need to do is know Him. Many references to sports are made in the Word and so many times as I go through the day I forget that the battle has been won. Will I stand up and meet Christ in my every day that God has given me? Will I find my strength in the One who is strength? Will I be the encourager He created me to be and find my true identity in the Lord? <br /><br />I will. Will you?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-21683883342161867822010-06-22T21:40:00.003-05:002010-06-22T23:11:42.178-05:00The Ants Go MarchingHave you ever studied a group of ants? They look as if they are scurrying around aimlessly, hurrying from one place to the next with no real agenda and no marked out path for them. If you watch long enough, you can begin to recognize a reason for the 'wandering' and a purpose for the hurrying that's been done. A path may never be established and the specific direction may not be realized, but the direction is not important and the detours, no many how many they face are accepted and overcome with no mountain (or shoeprint) too big to stop them and no monster (or child) too big to slow them down!<br /><br />Although I don't have a lot of free time to sit and study the employment pattern of ants, I do have a sweet little guy who loves to watch ants, bugs and any other little crawly thing that will let him. Try as he might, those ants just keep moving forward to accomplish their goal and complete their task. My little Grady stomps into their little world and spreads the ants apart and away from their duties leaving the anthill looking like the beaches of Normandy, but give them time and the troops are back on their paths and pushing forward to complete their job.<br /><br />What the heck does this have to do with anything? We are like these ants in many ways. We get caught up in what we are going through and the hurt in our lives. We focus on the path we have in mind and no many how many times our path is changed or the obstacles grow in front of us we march back to our own agenda. On the other hand, God may put us on a path and His desire for us is to enjoy the journey we are on, but all we can do is press forward and not take our eyes off the path. We wander through the desert, missing the blessing and the portion He has placed in our lives, only to whine about the distance we have left to go. Do we stop and look around? Nope, just keep pushing through with the blinders on and don't stop to see what's around, rather than awakening the eyes to the beauty and majesty of the land.<br /><br />So, now that I have compared all of humanity to ants where does that lead? Exodus 15:13 tells us "In Your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In Your strength You will guide them to Your holy dwelling." I am a redeemed child of the King and though I am as ill-focused as the next redhead, I am trusting in the unfailing love of my Father to lead me. And, in the depths of my pain and the throws of my lupus ravaged body, it is His strength that is shining through my weakness to guide me into His arms. Why do I waiver? Like the ant, I focus on my own duty and lose sight of those around me. Conversely, I wander forward unaware of the surroundings and the blessings God has placed by my side. When I push, I should pull. When I wait, I should go forth. My intentions are good, but my focus is off. I get so caught up in the job I need to do, I forget who my Employer is. I get so determined to finish, I lose sight of the joy in the journey. People are the purpose and saving grace is my security. So, why do I get so caught up in the details and forget the relationship? I am a sinner, saved by the unfailing love and strength of my Father. God has given me a job to do and I cannot help but desire to complete His task for my life. My Lord has given me grace beyond measure and I can grasp a glimpse of His face in my family. Jesus has given His very life and I deserve death. What can I do, but honor Him with my life? <br /><br />Lord,<br />You have given me life. I can give nothing and do nothing to begin to compare the love and loyalty radiating from Your Word. God You gave everything in the gift of Your Son. Not only did He save my life, He completed the justice needed for You to remain holy. Words are weak and weary in comparison to You. I deserve death, yet You chose life. Thank you for choosing life for me. Be magnified in my life Lord. Allow those who walk beside me to recognize You. Use me Lord Jesus. Use me. Somehow, somewhere. Move me, Lord. As the ant moves on his mission, move me on Your path. Without you, I am nothing. With you, there are no limits, not even the sky!<br />In the majestic name of Jesus Christ,<br />amenAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-28082373350743049862010-06-03T14:05:00.000-05:002010-06-03T14:05:41.597-05:00Broken and Beautiful<span style="LINE-HEIGHT: 18px; COLOR: rgb(69,69,69)font-family:georgia, 'times new roman', serif;font-size:12;" class="Apple-style-span" ><br /><p style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 12px 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><span style="font-size:85%;">I have been through things that have broken my life. And I trust Him to never leave me there. He is the Father who will pick me up when I am fallen, broken, hurt, tired. And He is the Father who fixes me in those broken places. He fixes my spirit, my heart, my sadness, my loneliness. He brings joy and peace and refuge so I am stronger now than before I was broken.</span></p><br /><p style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 12px 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><span style="font-size:85%;">He watched the pieces fall apart, but only so He could put me back together the right way. When life happens and I feel like things are falling apart, breaking into pieces, I just remind myself that He can’t fix what isn’t broken and He often breaks me in order to shape me into the woman He created me to be. Those places that are broken may not have been broken by Jesus, but each and every time a part of me is broken He comes to restore me and renew me. He comes not to glue the pieces back together, but to use the pieces to build a masterpiece created my Father and known to Jesus before the beginning of time. Some things are broken due to the residual effects of sin in another person's life. Maybe we are the recipient of sin's consequences that we didn't commit. That hurts, and it's hard. It stings and the pain will pour forth, yet He is building on the foundation of the Lord and the promises of His Word.</span></p><p style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><span style="font-size:85%;">The props have been pulled out from under me this week. Not the seen ones, like relationship, finances, my home<span style="font-family:georgia;">. But the unseen ones, the false ones I've made with my own hands. Fear has come to visit, sneaking through the cracked back door rather than knocking at the front. And he secretly tried to steal away Truth before I even knew he was in the house. </span><span style="font-family:georgia;">He is so crafty, that I take him on as my very identity: <em>I am Afraid</em>, I hear myself say. And in the saying, I practice the presence of Fear, rather than rest in the safety of God. Jesus says His spirit within me is one of power, love and a sound mind. But He whispers, while Fear screams. </span><span style="font-family:georgia;">Fear screams for me to run away. </span><span style="font-family:georgia;">But God beckons me, <em>Come. </em></span><span style="font-family:georgia;">Fear pushes me to perfectionism. </span></span></span></p><span style="font-size:85%;"><strong>But God whispers I have already overcome</strong>. </span><p style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><span style="LINE-HEIGHT: 18px; COLOR: rgb(69,69,69)font-family:georgia, 'times new roman', serif;font-size:12;" class="Apple-style-span" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">And so I stand on the Rock and watch as the sand sinks swiftly down. </span><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"><span style="font-family:georgia;">To be love-led rather than fear-driven is to stand on the rock. </span><em><span style="font-family:georgia;">Where are my feet today?</span> </em></span></span></p><p style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><span style="font-size:85%;">I am reminded of the saying, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and I wonder aloud as I make my way through the toys and the clothes of my workplace, "who is my beholder?" Am I letting Christ hold me or am I struggling to hold myself up knowing my strength is fleeting. Contrary to what our media/culture has to say, my Lord loves me and made me the way He desired. The pain and brokenness of my life and of my past are details in His painting and the Lord has made everything good. He has fulfilled His promise to bring beauty out of ashes and release from darkness for prisoners! I am free and I pray that each day I am becoming more like my savior, beautiful!</span></p><p style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><span style="font-size:85%;">~<em>We all fall short. We all have sinned. But when you let God's grace break in... It's beautiful, Beautiful. Come as you are, surrender your heart. Broken and Beautiful. ~Mark Schultz</em></span></p></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-35259355899441167242010-05-20T20:54:00.000-05:002010-05-20T20:55:50.445-05:00Fear of SuccessHave you ever wondered what fear of failure really means? I have spent much of my life wondering if the failures I have experienced would really make me stronger or if that was just something successful people said to make losers feel better about themselves. Often some of the encouraging/motivational things we say to one another are not uplifting or motivational. Instead they can be frustrating and can actually stunt our spiritual growth. I have spent the last four years attending a Celebrate Recovery group based on the 12 step recovery program often associated with AA. Many different hurts, habits and hang-ups are discussed and worked through while developing a relationship with Jesus Christ. During this time, I have watched Christ transform many people and grow me beyond my comfort zone, while stretching me in order to test my reliance on Him. Through all of this I have spent alot of time wondering if people rely on failure to walk into the next step in their journey of life because it is comfortable, it is familiar and if they expect failure, there will be no surprise and much less heartache than being disappointed. However, what if the fear they explain is not a fear of failure at all? What if it is the fear of success? The fear of actually being successful in what you attempt and the unknown feelings that go along with success or the unknown reactions. Maybe it is the lack of reaction from others? When a person fails, people are quick to point it out and in some circumstances, encouraging words and the 'try, try again' speech follows the failure. However, when one succeeds, people do not respond and there is often no encouragement or congratulations that result.<div><br /></div><div>What if we worked hard for the glory of God? What if we all forgot about our deep desire to be successful and started living to please the Lord, rather than man? What if the work we did was in response to the sacrifices and the death suffered by Jesus? Sacrifices we can never understand and pain that we may come close to experiencing through situations in this life, but none of us will understand the complete disconnection Jesus felt at the moment He cried out to His Father and felt truly alone. As long as we know that God is our Savior, we will never understand the true feelings of being alone. Why? Because we are never alone. We may feel as if the experience we are in is something only we alone can understand, but Jesus gets it. He feels the hurt and faced the pain. When your heart aches or you are grieved by something, so is Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have asked myself more times than I can count in the last two years, 'how can Jesus understand what it's like to lose a child?' He was not a mom and did not experience the connection I felt to Josiah and Cadyn that began to grow and deepen, only to have it taken from me with no explanation. But, as I have grown closer to Him and have begun to search out His character more in the last several months, I realize that Jesus recognizes the pain I felt in losing those precious children. He understands my heart and knows each thought I have about what could have been and what is because of His sovereign plan. One day our story will be complete and the journey through this life will come to a close. When that day comes, we will be joined as a family and we will bow before the King to forever live and serve Him. What will I ask when that time comes? What will He say to me? </div><div><br /></div><div>Only He knows but from now until that day, I will do my very best to live my life to honor my Savior. I will do the very best for those I have around me and I will do the best I can to make my babies proud! Will I succeed? Yes. Will I fail? Yes. Through all those times, my prayer today and forever will be to allow Christ to succeed in my life and ask for His help to stay out of His way!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-75596687767010240902010-05-09T09:34:00.000-05:002010-05-09T10:24:58.613-05:00WindHappy Mother's Day everyone! It's rather windy here in central Nebraska (which is really quite normal) and it has gotten me thinking about the ways in which my mother was like the wind. <div><br /></div><div>Many times wind brings change. If it weren't for my mom's determination and drive, the change that has come in my life to be a better mother would have never been as strong. Change happens as God grows us up into likeness of His Son. My mom helps me to look to the Lord and do my part to bring change to those around me and to myself even when the process is less than ideal.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wind produces movement. As I was growing up, I always saw my mom 'moving'. Not just physically altering position, but moving toward a goal. She has shown me that perseverance and moving forward are necessary if you want to succeed. Movement to be stronger, more gracious, less critical; movement to love the unlovable, give to those less fortunate and look beyond the surface to see the person for who they are. Mom moved physically as well. She has always given up time, money, herself, etc...in order to help whoever she can. She has an unmatched work ethic and inspires me to strive to be a servant of others.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wind builds strength. Trees grown in controlled environments without wind, cannot build root systems to resist the elements. Looking back, I am reminded of many struggles we faced and through all of them I see my mom pressing against us in support of a deeper root system. We had all the stress and torment of normal adolescent and teenage girls and when the weather threatened our standing firm, she was always there whispering like the wind to stay grounded and remember where our strength was produced.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wind encourages growth and pushes away remnants of the old/unhealthy. As the wind blows across the fields in Nebraska, it carries the moisture across the plains in the winter, dries the soil in spring for crops to be planted and dries the crops for harvest in the fall. My mom has always striven to remove those situations and circumstances in her control that could influence my sister and I negatively. She has also given us gusts of encouragement to grow us stronger in our walk with the Lord as well as our walk through life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wind is refreshing. As summer inches closer, the thought of hundred degree weather and sunburns are high on my 'ugh' list. However, when those days come, when the struggles feel too hot to touch and too draining to face, a gentle breeze is soothing and calming for the soul. When the pain and heartaches of the past sting like the cherry red evidence of too much sun, the wind in the air cools my body and reminds me of the promise of healing and in some cases beauty on the other side of the burn. (Not me, I am pasty white or cherry red, but it works for my beautiful sister!) </div><div><br /></div><div>Most people would probably take offense to being called windy, but as I listen to the wind gust outside and see the trees waving, I think of my mom and the many ways she has influenced my life and deepened my faith in God, as well as pushing me to keep moving when I felt like giving up. Thanks for always being there for me Mom, kind of the like the winds in Nebraska. Wait just a few moments and it's a guarantee the wind will be there!</div><div><br /></div><div>I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-10595661960040485262010-04-28T12:20:00.002-05:002010-04-28T12:23:57.642-05:00MOPS meeting 4-22-10<div>Have you ever taken the time to really look at a family photograph? As I have been praying about this talk and what God would have me say, I have realized just how unfinished our family photo really is. Pictures of my kiddos together appear incomplete and a couple of them seem to bear reflections of light in just the right places where their siblings might have been. The picture of our three children taken at the Antiquities fundraiser last June bears the resemblance of light spots, one in front and one in the back where there looks to have been shadows. I know these shadows are a reassurance of God’s promise that I will one day see the babies I did not have the chance to know here on this earth. As most of you know, I have had two babies born still in the last two years. Look back at your picture of the ‘all American family’ and if there are spaces you lost children to stillbirth or infant death I want to encourage you with the comfort I have been given. One day I know that the eight of us will stand together before our Faithful and Loving Savior and on that day our picture will be complete.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Let me back up to February of 2008. Our family of five was becoming more ‘normal’ as Grady was nine months old and we were gliding along enjoying one another. We had become distantly involved in the church and were irregular attendees of a small group. Our family gathered together to dedicate Grady, the youngest of our three living children. As we walked up to talk with the pastor and show off our cute little family, a strange feeling came over me. I decided immediately after the dedication was complete that I should go home to rest instead of staying for the remainder of the church service. After a very long trip to the emergency room, I was placed in ICU and given the ‘endearing’ terms: septic and total isolation. I was not one to get sick and had never really had anything serious. Apparently I was pretty bad and as I joked with the nurses and doctors about not needing my belongings where I was going when I died, they didn’t laugh at all and I looked to my mom and dad, searching for a smile. They called Chad to the hospital, because they did not think I would make it through the night. No one else was cleared to come in. I couldn’t see my three children, of which Grady was still nursing and very much attached to mom at nine months of age. People who came to check on me had to stand at the door of my room. Through all of this, I had peace. I figured I had caught something and would get some fluids and head home, not so much. God proved faithful and despite lots of pain and reactions to medication that nearly killed me, He brought me through. I spent days in a secluded hospital room joking with nurses and spouting sarcasm about having said I needed a vacation. Each person that came to visit had to ‘gown up’ in a mask, gown and gloves to keep from bringing any contaminants into my room. Ten days later I was released from the hospital, shaky at best, but ready to face whatever this world had to throw my way. Not only had God chosen to continue my life here on this earth, He protected me from the severity of what had gone on in my body during the course of those ten days. He spoke to me through Joshua 1:9 saying ‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’ God was there with me and He covered my eyes to how sick and near to death I was.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Two months later I was diagnosed with lupus. At 25, I was told I would not be able to do many things I loved and enjoyed just weeks before. As the doctor listed the activities and hobbies I would most likely never participate in, I questioned God‘s purpose for me. Why would He leave me here when I was nearly dead two months prior, only to be diagnosed with a chronic illness and autoimmune disease now? My life had been spared for this? My dear friend Janelle went to the first rheumatology appointment with me because I was afraid to go alone and I figured it was a good excuse to hit some sports stores in Lincoln. After the appointment I think I was in shock. I didn’t cry or yell or really react at all. I was told I would not be able to interact with people the way a normal person would due to my lowered immunity levels. I am not real touchy, so no big trouble there. My mom cried as I told her the results, my sister hugged me, and as I sat there witnessing their response, I felt lost and confused. What’s the big deal? I remember thinking. It’s just lupus. So I won’t be around sick people or touch anyone. So what? I can still do some of the things I love; I will still run and play with my kids. I am stronger than some diagnosis, I thought. I won’t let some doctor tell me what I can or can’t do. Yet something deeper was nudging me to pay attention. <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Sort of without notice my thoughts twisted as if Satan was beginning to wring out a towel. I didn’t have a lot of people who knew me all that well and now being sick would make it harder to find deep relationships. No one I talked to shared hope for what I could still do and I cried myself to sleep most nights wondering what God would have me do, since so much was no longer within my ability. I remember pleading with God to let me be stronger than this. Help me to prove them all wrong. God was faithful to His word in Isaiah 40:31 that says ‘those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ I found the diagnosis to be more of a reason for my hospital stay than a need for a life-change. I was going to get myself back on the volleyball court and play like I did before. I was going to get involved and run like the other ‘all-American’ moms out there and keep the kids involved and get them more involved so no one missed anything because of lupus. I started to focus on what I could do outside myself instead of the disease that was having a hey-day inside. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>God gave me another glimpse into a completed picture of our family, when we found out we were bringing baby #5 into this world. Draw strength from Me, I heard God say that sunny somber afternoon. It was as if God wrapped his arms around me before the Dr. could tell me what had happened. I looked at the ultrasound of my tiny little champ and thanks to that mother’s intuition, I just knew. God had chosen to take Josiah David to heaven and spared him the struggles of this earth. Tears fell and the pain came, but the promise of Christ didn’t leave my mind. I had begun to spread my wings a bit, in terms of involvement in church and other ‘planet mom’ activities. Close friends took me out to supper that evening to celebrate my birthday, and though I cried through most of the evening, I felt surrounded by the love of Jesus and was able to experience joy in the midst of the worst fear of my life, come true. I delivered Josiah on August 7th and after three priceless hours with him, I handed his perfectly complete, yet still little body to the nurse. Pictures of his precious little body show the resemblance of his brother Grady’s peaceful yet curious grin and his oldest brother Gabriel’s skinny little legs. When everyone had gone home and I was alone in the hospital room that evening, I wept and cried out to God, asking why. I rejoiced for the pain that our little Josiah would never endure. I searched for a reason I might be responsible and not finding one, wondered if it was the lupus that made me too weak to carry a baby. For hours I remember sitting there in that room staring at the walls as I recalled the births of our three older children and grieving the plans we had made that would never be. I was crushed, but determined. God held me and comforted me as Psalm 56:8 says, ‘You kept track of all my sorrows, You collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.’</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Last February, as we celebrated the one year anniversary of God’s faithfulness to prayer in sparing my life and allowing me more time on this earth with my family, we celebrated the expectation of baby #6. It’s funny in a way because when Chad and I got married, I told him I wanted six children. As his eyes glazed over, he stared at me blankly and stuttered the words of a newly wed husband, “ok hun, if that‘s what you want” as if I had just told him we were expecting septuplets and he had no say in the decision. The promise of this new child completed my desire for being mommy to six children. Baby looked healthy and heartbeat was strong. My blood levels had checked out and for the first time since my diagnosis, the disease did not seem to be attacking with such severity. My white cell counts were normal and I was feeling great. I began developing a cold and figured it was sinus infection so I went in to see our doctor, not wanting it to turn to pneumonia as it often does with lupus. She smiled and said I had some allergy stuff going on and I was looking really good. I asked if we could listen to baby to be sure things were ok. She got the sonogram out and we started listening for the heartbeat we had heard just two weeks prior as strong and as quick as ever. Yet, it never came. She sent me straight to the hospital to see my trusted friend and former obstetrician Michelle Krieger. She put her arm around me and smiled and said we’re going to figure this thing out so you can go home and rest without worry. As she looked at the monitor of the ultrasound machine, and watched our little peanut, her eyes filled with tears as she whispered the words, “I just don’t see it, hun. It’s just not there.” Just one year ago this month, on April 8th I delivered our angel Cadyn and again was given just hours to spend with our youngest daughter. Hours that are more precious than words will ever explain. As those hours preceding her birth crept on, dear friends sat with me in the hospital, prayed with me and smiled through tears of their own as we awaited the eventual arrival of our heaven bound angel. God challenged me last fall to step out and accept the invitation to come to a special memorial night put on by MOPS to honor children who had died due to stillbirth, miscarriage, early infant death, etc. I had gone to the evening event and then began attending MOPS meetings not long after. Some of you MOPS moms were there to experience the stillbirth of Cadyn Jo. And through yet another valley in my life, God was faithful and spoke to me through James 1:2-3, “when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” As the anniversary of Cadyn’s birth recently came and went, I looked at this verse with a smile. When I was given this verse just one year ago, I threw the Bible and scowled at my dear friend and mentor. Real comforting, but no thanks. I would rather have my baby than endurance, I told her. Yet looking back I am grateful to God and thankful to friends for His truth spoken to me, hard as it was to swallow.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>As I share this with you, it sounds like I have accepted each struggle over the last two years with patience and trust. Well, ask those who have sat beside me or listened to me over the phone as I doubted and cried and screamed out to God. It has not been and is not easy, yet God continues to bless me and carry me through each memory and each experience. I have listened and ignored. I have cried in fury and pain, while experiencing peace and joy. I have pouted, yelled, inflicted pain upon myself and had pity parties like you wouldn’t believe. Yet each time, God has pulled me close to Himself and allowed me to feel the pulse of His heartbeat. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I went to a retreat last winter and listened to author and speaker Carol Kent. She wrote a book called When I Lay My Isaac Down. For those of us who didn’t grow up in Sunday School, her book is based on the story in Genesis 22, when Abraham is commanded by God to sacrifice his only son Isaac as a burnt offering to the Lord. Abraham obeyed God and led his son to the place the Lord showed him and placed his son on the altar. At the moment Abraham was about to kill Isaac, an angel spoke to him and told him not to kill his son. Abraham had proven his fear of the Lord and God had provided a lamb in the bushes to sacrifice on the altar. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I want to read you a bit of her book as it describes the pain and hurt, the hope and promise more clearly than I am able to explain it myself. “There are some tragedies that are too big for a heart to hold, and defy any description that makes sense. Time weaves its way through the shock, the hurt, and the inexpressible feelings, and one day you discover that in the process of daily survival, you have instinctively made decisions (good and bad), defined your theology, formed an opinion about God, and determined that you will either curl up and die emotionally or you will choose life. The terrifying and truthful fact is that, in choosing life, you realize it will never match the kind of life that was in your carefully thought-out plan for your future. It will force you to view the people around you differently. The brokenness will challenge you to new levels of personal compassion. It will melt your pride, diminish the importance of your carefully defined agenda, and it has the potential to develop an unshakable faith that defies rationality.”</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>“There are times in life when all of us are called upon to make heart sacrifices. Some of those sacrifices are things we choose because of a cause we believe in or a desired end that makes our decision worthwhile. However, most of us will face an ‘Isaac experience’ when a crisis is thrust into our lives without warning and without survival instructions. Our ‘Isaacs’ are the heart sacrifices we make when we choose to relinquish control and honor God with our choices even when all seems lost. We have to decide if we will let go of our control over a person, situation, or event, or if we will hang on for dear life and refuse to relinquish something we cherish.”</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>As much as I don’t like the process and in many cases have fought with all my heart to hold Christ at arms length, I am learning that the very same loss and hurt can also be the cause for joy and peace. All of us have experienced loss, pain, heartache, and devastation. Will we strengthen our grip on hope in the sight of worldly defeat? Or lash out in pain letting loose of the only grip that can stand the pressure? Will we live our lives with passion and purpose, even if we never know this side of heaven why something has happened? Will we choose unshakable faith, or will we give up on God? I believe God’s greatest invitation is to include us in His process of discovering the power of choosing faith when it makes no sense. When God seems most absent, He is the most present. He is in the center of our circumstances whether we recognize His presence or push Him away. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>OK, now think about your family. Not just your husband and your children. Think of all the people you have in your life that you consider family. Friends as dear as sisters, parents you are blessed to be close to, long-time friends who know you for you and love you anyways. Think of those people who have seen you at your ugliest and in the greatest weaknesses you can remember. Many of our circumstances over the past two years have not been mountaintop experiences. The pastor here often says you are either entering a trial, in a trial, or coming out of a trial. Girls, I am ready to come out of the trials! However, in the valleys of this life, I am learning to cling to the Lord and hold onto promises of our unfailing Savior. It is in the fearful and heart wrenching experiences that I feel the presence of God most clearly. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I want to close with scriptures God has used to speak to me through my children in the midst of these valleys. Some of you may be wondering as I talk about being a mother of six, when you are adding up the number of children I have talked about and it is only five. I became pregnant with my oldest, Tyrell before Chad and I were together. I made the regretted decision to end the life of my son while I was still in junior college and before I accepted Christ as my Savior. After I gave my heart to God, we memorialized Tyrell and Chad spiritually adopted him as his own. Very early in our marriage, we conceived and gave birth to Gabriel. He has been my promise of a second chance since the moment we knew he was coming. II Corinthians 5:17 tells us that “anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old has gone; a new life has begun!” Gabriel’s life is a constant reminder of the promise God has made to make all things new. I may look in the mirror and see the face of someone bruised and beaten up by life‘s circumstances, but God has made me new and for all of us who know Him, He has made us beautiful.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Next, there is Grace. How would I ever begin to describe Grace? Many times I describe her as God’s way of showing me I would need more grace than ever to raise a daughter. But in truth, she is a lot like me and in many ways, God fulfills the promise of His word in II Corinthians 12:9 reassuring me that His grace is sufficient for me for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Many times when I feel the weakest, God’s presence and plan for my life are most clear. As for our almost three year old son Grady, nothing brings joy to my face like seeing the character and joy of Christ through his eyes. Psalm 139:17 says, “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!” He will walk up to me, wrap his fat little hands around my leg and say, ’I love you so much’ and I know that God’s promises are as pure as Grady’s precious little words. As for our babies, Josiah and Cadyn, God has radiated His promises through song lyrics and glimpses of heaven. Music has always spoken to me, but for the past two years I have felt the arms of God wrap around me each time I hear the power and passion in the words of a song and the sentiment of a musician totally reliant upon the Lord. We have the promise of Romans 8:28 that He who began a good work in each one of us, will be faithful to complete it and God did after just 17 and 15 weeks gestation for our precious babies. They are finished and complete in heaven with Jesus. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So, now you are all asking yourselves, what does all this have to do with Planet Mom and celebrating the end of the year meeting? In a nutshell, here it is…I surrendered my heart to Christ nine years ago and though I faced ups and downs, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the past two years of peaks and valleys. If it weren’t for MOPS and the connections I have made here, I can’t honestly say I would have chosen to continue walking this journey with Christ. Maybe I would have, maybe not. What I know as an absolute fact is this…I would not have witnessed the peace of Christ and the reassurance of His grace without all of you. You have challenged me to journey with Christ and inspired me to walk more intentionally with Jesus. Each of you who have accepted Jesus as your Savior is part of my complete family picture and one day we will all stand in unity before the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. As we finish this season in MOPS and our exploration of Planet Mom together, I pray you have been encouraged. It is my prayer, as well as each of the steering team members that you have been lifted up, exhilarated, strengthened and you have felt accepted through our meetings together. Our journey together has been exciting for me and I have so enjoyed this year in MOPS, though it has taken me time to get used to this microphone. As we leave here today, it is my hope and prayer that above all, you have experienced Christ. If you listen, you will hear Him saying the same thing He has said to me through the pain, loss, heartache, joy, elation, hope and most recently through tears. There is nothing that will ever take away my unconditional love for you. The faith that gets us through begins with being flat-out needy and allowing God’s love to embrace us, hold us and dry our tears. One day we will all discover that our cries are being transformed into life-giving, healthy tears that are rebirthing faith, hope, and joy. And the promise of His word that says, “Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am with them” becomes a greater, more tangible truth as we navigate this uncharted and ever-changing planet known as Planet Mom.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-10093849273452952032010-04-07T20:06:00.003-05:002010-04-07T20:38:26.139-05:00One Year AgoIt's been just one year ago since I was given the news that the youngest Kimball baby would not be coming home. We planned and dreamed and thought, but God had other plans. I don't understand the reasons for the Lord taking my youngest babies home, however I know that without a doubt, God is sovereign and their lives are complete and perfect. Cadyn's little body is perfect, her complexion is perfect and the Lord is holding her close through the days that we are parted. I cannot wait for the day when our family is together again, but I also know that the time we are here is intended to glorify my Lord and Savior. <div><br /></div><div>Pain, yes. The pain is there. I still miss her beyond words, yet I recognize the pain and struggle she was saved from and I realize that my plans were feeble and empty compared to the plans the Lord has for me and the lives of all six of my children. When does the pain subside? Where does the emptiness end? How do I put aside the hurt and continue through my life as it will never be the same? When a tragedy hits, suddenly these questions blare in front of you, but as I have been confronted with so many opportunities to search for these answers, I have also been given opportunities to reject this 'why' and focus on what God would have for me.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I sit here pondering the past year and thinking of what God has done, I realize the mercy and grace God has shown me as I have struggled through the pain and past the 'why' and as much as I have tried to rush through the grief, I am coming to understand that the little moments in this life are just as important to the grieving process as the major steps recognized as 'grief' steps. God has carried me through and the only definitive thing I know of this past year is that God is all there is and I know He has given me the friends and the family I have to help to carry me through.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am so thankful for each person that has influenced and impacted my life through the past two years. I have been blessed beyond measure and so thankful for each person reading this and the incredible way God has blessed me. I love you all and I am grateful beyond words. I love you all...each one of you know who you are!!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-64617235280717314542009-11-24T03:40:00.004-06:002009-11-24T04:14:02.751-06:00TrustHow many countless nights have I sat here wondering when this sleeplessness will end? The minutes creep on and the hours seem to last an eternity. I long for just one night of peaceful, serene sleep where I can wake up to the smiling faces of my children and the joy of a renewed body. God has truly been speaking to me in these nights of wide eyed dreariness. <i>Am I enough?</i> When the pain seems to be unbearable and the aches are overwhelming, <i>am I enough?</i> When the kids are being kids and your patience are spread thin, <i>am I enough? </i>As time splinters forward and the trials increase, <i>am I enough?</i> God has been here in these silent moments, when the deafening quiet threatens to pierce my rational thought. My questions are met with His questions. My thoughts are met with His thoughts. His word says, "trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." Through these nights of restlessness, I have wrestled with these questions. Over and over I have heard the words of God as Beth Moore quoted Psalm 37:3-4, "trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." He does not give me everything I want. That would make me a spoiled, selfish, insensitive brat and though I act that way sometimes, I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I have been called to something greater. Is He enough? I don't understand why I am lying here awake at three and four in the morning. I do not understand the disease that is ravaging my body. I do not understand the reason for giving me my heart's desire in Josiah and Cadyn, only to have them taken from me before a breath on this earth. I do not understand, yet I am not told to understand. I am told to trust Him. But, this is hard... But, there isn't money to afford it... But, I hurt... But, why...<div>It's as if I can feel Him wrap His arms around my head. When the nights get too long, who do I run to? When the pain gets too great, who do I crawl to? When the I can no longer carry my empty heart, who do I give it to? David gave his heart to God. Paul followed with fervency. Mary and Martha trusted even after Lazarus died. Will I choose to do this life on my own? Or is He enough?</div><div><div><br /></div><div> <i>Amber, am I enough? </i></div><div><i><br /></i></div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-34192975554880786922009-10-05T14:33:00.001-05:002009-10-05T14:33:33.680-05:00Cadyn Jo<div>Oh miss, I couldn’t help but notice you are nearly ready to deliver a new bundle of joy. How many more weeks do you have? Is the nursery all ready to bring the baby home? Are you spending plenty of time resting and preparing yourself for the changes that are to come? Can we make you some meals when your new baby arrives so that you don’t have to be concerned with food and you can focus on the new baby and all that is a part of your new life?</div><div><br /></div><div>So many of these questions are like faint memories that reverberate through my mind. As if the thoughts are merely a dream, I have forgotten the joy that comes with carrying a new baby into this world. I know it was an unexplainable joy that cannot be described justifiably with the vocabulary available to us. </div><div><br /></div><div>Another projected due date came and passed as an autumn rain in the Midwest seems to pound upon us and at once is gone. My heart feels broken and yet there is that unexplainable sense of peace. I do not understand these emotions and I doubt I ever will. The deep emptiness I feel will one day be filled by my three beautiful children and until that day I must draw strength from my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.</div><div><br /></div><div>Pain tranquilizes my mind and numbs my achy soul. I long to escape the hurt in my heart and the pain that feels as if my heart has been crushed. God, you are my only comfort. You are my only refuge. Lord, please. Please, I beg you. Take this pain from me, fill it with You.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-2027986435074040092009-08-07T21:43:00.003-05:002009-08-07T22:26:25.839-05:00Happy Birthday Josiah!It has been a year since we met and said goodbye to our precious baby Josiah. There are so many different times I have thought about him in the last year. I think about all the 'firsts' I have missed and all the quirks that God put into his personality that I have never had a chance to experience. I think about how similar he looked to his older brothers and I wonder who he would have been more like. Would he have followed Gabriel and been an intellectual giant who enjoys his video games but has a tender heart and the compassion to help those he sees who are without? Or would he have been a curious and inquisitive little boy like his big brother Grady? It's such a mystery what he would have looked like, how he would have expressed himself. Would he have been a blondie too? Or would he have been my dark haired, blue eyed baby?<div><br /></div><div>We spent the day celebrating our little champ's birthday. We took balloons to church and wished him a happy birthday as we released them and the kids jumped and cheered that we were sending the balloons to Josiah who was in heaven with Jesus. Jill came out and prayed with us as we were getting ready to release the balloons. After that, we went to the Hastings waterpark and celebrated his birthday by spending over six hours swimming and enjoying spending time with one another. Daddy stayed home to spend some time alone and went to the cemetery to visit the sight where Josiah's little body was laid to rest. </div><div><br /></div><div>After we got home, I went to find some flowers and take them out to the cemetery. When I walked into the store, I saw some balloons. I went looking for a birthday balloon and God provided a balloon with 'Happy 1st Birthday' written next to Winnie the Pooh and it was perfect! I got some red daisies (at least that's what they reminded me of...) and headed for the cemetery. It was right around dusk and as the cemetery grew closer, I prayed that the gates would still be opened as I truly wanted to visit the sight before closing. Placing the flowers and the balloon on the hook for Josiah was a very memorable experience. I wanted to fall in a puddle of tears and sob. Instead, I praised God for taking Josiah before he had to suffer and endure the pain of this world.</div><div><br /></div><div>All in all, not a bad day. I miss him so and cannot wait to hold my little champ in my arms and though I know he recognizes the love I have for him, I cannot get over the time I am missing with my youngest son.</div><div><br /></div><div>One question before I close...Babies are conceived in sin. Babies are born into sin and bear the burden of sin when they begin life in this world. So how can there be a guarantee that my babies are in heaven? If anyone has some scripture I can look at dealing with this, I would appreciate truth rather than the fear I am currently experiencing or the pain that does not seem to be subsiding.</div><div><br /></div><div>In closing, I read today that Fear is a Feeling, but Trust is a Choice. I choose to trust God and pray His strength surrounds me and the peace of Christ exposes the feelings that are damaging and helps me to contradict the false feelings I feel. Peace to you all and joy of knowing my baby is safe and enjoying the view!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-8325943976146734112009-07-27T15:55:00.003-05:002009-07-27T16:25:39.955-05:00Apprehension toward approaching daysAs the seventh of August approaches, I am apprehensive about what the day will bring. My emotions are slowly finding a motion of movement I am beginning in some small way to understand, but the rushes of grief and sadness I feel are still overwhelming enough to knock me to my knees. I am awed all the time by the incredible impact that Josiah has on my life even as we approach the year mark of him going to be with Jesus. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't want it this way. Yet I know that it's part of the Sovereignty of God and I keep trusting that the joy of the Lord will strengthen me as I encounter unexpected sadness and in those times when I just don't understand what my purpose is without all of my children walking with me here on earth, that the Lord will uphold me and give me a peace beyond human comprehension to perservere through the pain.<div><br /></div><div>One year. It's hard to grasp that so much of my pain and sadness came just one year ago. I feel like I have spent a lifetime without my little Josiah and yet the last year has been one of tragedy and triumph in so many aspects of life. A piece of my heart left when Josiah did. The words of my doctor and friend still resonate in my dreams. "I am sorry honey. I just can't see any heartbeat." Holding my precious baby after what seemed like forever was the most bittersweet time in my life. I wish time would have stopped so that I could have held him longer. Yet I trust that I will get time to spend with him in eternity.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>His precious little hands. His delicate little face. I will never forget the expression that I saw. Such a blessing and sense of peace shone through his still little face. No sadness, no pain, no fear, no hurt. The peace of our Savior and the joy of being in His presence. What else could anyone in the world ask for? Nothing. Josiah is complete. He is perfect. Even as I spent time with him all alone in that hospital room, I knew. As broken as my heart felt and as empty as I felt inside, my soul experienced peace in knowing that he was Home.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over the past year, I have felt so many emotions come and go. Some have decided to hang around, but through it all my Lord has been steadfast and the promise of reunification with my baby is a hope I find in Jesus. I have learned to accept the pain of the past and endure the sadness in the loss and in the midst of it all, I find joy in knowing that Josiah will never experience the pain and hurt of this world. He will never experience fear as my older children do and the unending joy that he is basking in now gives me hope for the future and a sense of expectancy for my future in heaven.</div><div><br /></div><div>As the next ten days approach and pass, my prayer is that I can find the strength to push through the sadness and as I experience the pain of the day, I hope that the Lord can help me express my feelings openly and freely with those around me. Most importantly, I pray I can shine with the joy and hope of Christ to my three children here on earth and help them understand that the hope I have is not in and of myself but through the saving grace of Jesus and the faith I have in knowing that He is all I need.</div><div><br /></div><div>Blessings.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-44864824458657656872009-07-04T01:41:00.003-05:002009-07-06T13:12:04.093-05:00Aftermath Clean-up...<div>Tomorrow will be eleven months since we said hello and goodbye to Josiah all in the same room, the same breath and he was gone. I desperately wanted that baby boy to come to our home and grow and change the way the three before him had and without thinking I just paced myself for four more months of being hot, fat and miserable. Yet, hearing the doctor say those words, "I am so sorry. I just don't see a heartbeat." In an instant, so many dreams were crushed and hopes were stolen. So many joys were taken and the promise of the future appeared dark and dreary. Babies were just difficult to carry to term for mommies with lupus. Well...I had defied the odds before so who said I couldn't do it again?! Don't tell me what I can't do. Tell me what I can do and I will find a way to incoporate the can't with the won't and allow God to pull me to Himself as I inch toward the solution that will be best for everyone.</div><div><br /></div><div>Losing a child was not what God's best was for me was it? Questions still flood my mind and the emptiness is still there. My heart still feels broken and I spend many nights crying out to God for His comfort and peace. I don't know if or when this will ever end. I doubt it. I know this is my life and it's all in the plan God has for me. It's tough and it's sad.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cadyn has been gone three months on Wednesday and it seems like yesterday. I miss her so much and I dread thinking of the fact that I assumed she was a boy without asking God to reveal to me who she was. I know her name came from the Lord, but I feel guilty for never knowing her as my daughter. Will these dates ever lose their sting? Will the pain ever turn to hope?</div><div><br /></div><div>God, please give me what you know I need...</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-46428144915115394042009-06-30T13:21:00.000-05:002009-06-30T14:17:50.108-05:00Waves of Depression, Winds of DesperationThree months, thirteen days. Still no job. Leads have fallen through, the disconnect notices fly in and holding onto God with all I have, I try desperately to trust Him in His soveriegnty. Cruising along on His waves of grace and mercy I feel like things are going His way and suddenly I feel swept away by depression and hopelessness. Friends come beside me to remind me of His faithfulness and help me see the bigger picture, but as I am engulfed by the wave of depression, I feel myself sinking and am not sure how to breathe. My first thought was that I had taken my eyes off Christ. However, I have been in the Word more and more and I seem to understand less and less. Sounds backwards to me. Like when the storm arose and the disciples were scared. They took their eyes off the knowledge they had that Christ had the power and the control to save them and bring them through the storm. Instead, they let fear creep into their beings and when they cried out to Him, Jesus calmed the waves. Oh how I long to have the waves calmed...<div><br /></div><div>Previous methods of coping and old ways of handling stress have crept back into my thoughts. I don't like the repercussions that come with the former reliances I placed on myself. However, the time taken to kick in was much faster than waiting and wishing and hoping for a release and a refreshment of my faith. I try to shut these ideas out and not give them power but the fear of being stuck in this nightmare forever seems to help me fuel the thoughts of taking matters into my own hands. I will screw things up, but I feel pretty screwed up right now anyhow.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to bring God glory. He gave up everything, more than I could ever imagine. So, I refuse to give into temptation. Yet I wonder where the testing will take me. Is it testing? Is it trial? Is it sanctification? What is the purpose and how do I handle it when I don't know the purpose in it nor do I see the joy in the midst of this battle?</div><div><br /></div><div>I was hoping to type this out and reason through it so that I understood what was happening. I think I just confused my own brain and now I am sad that I couldn't help the confusion.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh well....better luck next time!</div><div>See ya</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-74570231583920553722009-06-13T17:48:00.000-05:002009-06-13T18:22:34.772-05:00And the storm rages on...As I sit here in Room 3325 of the pediatric unit at Good Samaritan Hospital, I wonder what God is trying to teach me. Is it endurance, perservearance, long-suffering? Is it patience, dependence, or reliance? Is it all of these things? Honestly, I don't understand how one person can continue to dig into life after all the tragedy and trials we have been handed. Since February '08, it has been a constant whirlwind of loss, change and redirection. Do I continue to steer myself and my family in the wrong direction? Is this temptation from satan or testing of the Lord?<div><br /></div><div>Grady, the youngest living Kimball boy was hospitalized yesterday evening due to a temperature of 105 after having gone through surgery on Thursday to repair a right inguinal hernia. Everything was going well and he was recovering, though slow and painful. We went about our day and I was thanking God for the ease at which Grady appeared to be regaining strength. He had eaten a little, was drinking well and was in good spirits. He was lethargic and seemed warm, but he had just had surgery so I was not too concerned. I decided just to be safe I would check his temp. because though I am always cool, I thought it seemed like his body was getting warmer. Checking with the electronic ear thermometer, I gasped at the number on the tiny digital screen: 103.2 and immediately stood to find Chad.</div><div><br /></div><div>I told him the temp. and without a second thought, he told me to get him in. They ran blood cultures, did CBC testing, started an IV and then the doctor came in to say his recommendation was for us to stay the night and see how things went. As he pulled the tegaderm away from the incision, Grady squealed at the intensity of pain and tried to commandeer the doctors hand to stop the pain. Upon removal of the bandages, we discovered redness and swelling and again I was encouraged to keep him here for observation for the night.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, after just less than three hours in the ER, we were brought to our temporary sleep spot, room 3325. Diana, the nurse who was just beginning her shift helped get Grady situated and tried to help Grady feel safe. I had a difficult time watching him writhe in pain and squirm from the irritation of having everyone poking and listening and viewing his sore little body. I never knew I could hurt so bad for someone else. There really is something about children being the part of a mother's heart that walks and talks and lives outside her body. There is nothing more heart-wrenching for me than knowing your precious child is in pain and that there is not a single thing you can do about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess I have sort of an idea what God must have felt when He watched His only Son writhe in pain on the cross and knew that in order to bring me to Himself, there was nothing He could do to relieve the pain or shorten the anguish. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of how much Jesus must love me that He is willing to endure that type of beating and death for me when He knew I would screw up and not love Him for several years and not acknowledge the part I would play in His story of my life. It's not my story to tell. It's my story to live, but the plot has already been written and the ending is already told. The hero has already won and the evil one knows of his ultimate demise.</div><div><br /></div><div>Do I fulling understand and trust the saving grace of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? No. Will I ever grasp the depths of His love and devotion for me, a sinner? Not this side of heaven. However, knowing a piece of the pain my Father in heaven endured in order to send His only Son so that I could be a member of the Holy Family of Believers for eternity in heaven, there is not a more incredible way I would want to spend my life than as a servant of the Creator of the Universe and the Almighty God of Everything. How can I give anything less than my life to someone who's Son died so that I could live!?</div><div><br /></div><div>So, where does Grady fit into all this? Well, as I have ranted and raved and cried and lamented over the past eighteen months of my life, it occurred to me this afternoon that the reaction I choose in the midst of this pain and suffering should be that of the reaction of God. I will press forward no matter what the cost because I know that just as I have Grady's best in mind and it was heartbreaking to see them put an IV in his beautiful little hand, God had my best in mind and though it was heartbreaking to see His ONLY Son died such a brutal and tragic death, the rewards and the health that come from initial pain and eventual endurance are priceless to those of us who reap the benefits of the sacrifice. I am not ranking my observation and emotion of Grady's recent hospital stay nearly as intense as those felt by our Father on the day Jesus died. However, I believe God has shown His heart to me in a small way this last few days throught the redemptive power of Christ and the unending faithfulness of the God of the universe.</div><div><br /></div><div>Praise God for His unending love and unfathomable faithfulness. No one can begin to grasp His greatness and the love He holds in His heart and in the heavenlies for us to one day live in that perfect love of Jesus. His word tells us, NO ONE can grasp how wide and how long, how high and how deep the love of Christ is for us and the more I see glimpses and receive fragments of the love He has for me, the more I know His love for me is incomprable to anything I will know this side of heaven.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hang on, Grady! Momma is praying God will heal your precious body and renew your mind. I am praying the blood of Jesus to bind the enemy from anymore attacks on you and to continue to use those around us, who we love and adore to remind us of the power and strength and love and joy He has for us when we are ready to let go of this world and hold His hand as He walks us through this life, trials and triumphs, into the life of eternity He has promised.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love you Grady! You are truly Momma's Little Champ!</div><div><br /></div><div>God bless!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-69993034427153845032009-06-09T22:18:00.000-05:002009-06-09T22:38:46.955-05:00Showers of Mercy, Winds of JoyI jump up and run for the shower. Everyone is still sleeping so I can get some great time alone with God, without interruptions for milk, snacks, disagreements, etc. As I am enjoying the warm water, I hear a knock at the door and an adorable little voice exclaims, "Momma, miwk pweeeeaaaze". I smile, look up to heaven and thank God for the health and joy placed in our little Squirt. I climb out the shower, get dressed and as I turn the doorknob, I am bombarded by a mad rush of arms and smiles and hugs. I recognize my immediate calling to get kiddos ready for the day and as I take off on a sprint through Tuesday, I grab my breakfast (diet coke & animal crackers) and head for the boys' room to pull clean clothes out for my boys.<div><br /></div><div>After selecting something comfortable and easy to put on, I run upstairs to help our precious, stubborn, beautiful, strong-willed daughter select her wardrobe for the day. She is already to thinking about what she wants to wear and informs me that she will be picking her clothes out and I 'don't have to worry about it' because she is a grown-up. Yeah... I run into the bathroom, pick up towels and laundry from the morning and the previous evening, run into our bedroom and do the same. As I am glancing over the room, I see my MOPS copy of Our Daily Bread. I pick it up thinking maybe I will have the three minutes I need to read over the page for today.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I turn to June 9, here is what I read....</div><div><br /></div><div>A Life Remembered</div><div><br /></div><div>"Daddy, help me." Those were the last words Dianne and Gary Cronin heard their daughter say as she struggled to breathe. Kristin, 14 years old, died suddenly-just two days after saying she didn't feel well. A strep infection attacked her body on Thursday. By Saturday, she was pleading with her daddy to help her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before Kristin died, I was scheduled to speak at her family's church in Soldotna, Alaska. In God's timing, I stood before the congregation the day after her funeral. Kristin was one of those vivacious teens who loved Jesus and lived for Him-and whose sudden death leaves us with a million questions.</div><div><br /></div><div>Because I went through a similar loss of my own teenage daughter a few years ago, I was able to offer some advice to this stunned and grieving church. First, I said, we must recognize God's sovereignty. Psalm 139:16 reminds us that Kristin's life was the exact length God intended. Second, I asked the church never to forget her family. Whether it's two months or five years later, the family will never "get over" losing Kristin. They will never stop needing Christians who care and remember.</div><div><br /></div><div>In times like this don't forget that God is in control and that He wants us to be a comfort to others.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>When we sustain a heartbreaking loss,<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>When grief overwhelms our soul,<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>The Savior who gave Himself on the cross,<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Reminds us that He's in control.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>II Corinthians 1:4...that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.</div><div><br /></div><div>God used a three minute devotional to catch me by surprise and help me to look at where I was and where I am. He helped me to see what I have done and who I am not. He helped me see who He is and who He can make me IF I let Him. What a blessing it is to know that God works in ALL things...even the papers I get for random things, from random places.</div><div><br /></div><div>Christ is calling, through the rain and wind of each day.</div><div>Are you listening?</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-33919744455540558662009-06-04T22:33:00.000-05:002009-06-04T22:47:07.826-05:00Fighting through the Burning Winds<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 20px; line-height: 24px; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tonight I went to a website that a very dear friend of mine told me about and I began searching for understanding and company that can empathize with my hurts. I found several women who have written beautiful poetry and memiors to their precious children. Here is my answers to one of the precious hurting mamas who helped me feel normal tonight...</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: small;">My precious baby Josiah went home to be with Jesus on August 7, 2008. My beautiful princess, Cadyn was born into the arms of Jesus just eight months and one day after her big brother, on April 8, 2009. My grief changes from day to day and though I have days when I think things are beginning to get better, not a single day passes when I don't think about my beautiful babies. I also ended the life of my oldest son, T.J. on July 11, 2000 due to pressure from his father and fear of not being a good mother. Every date that coincides with these losses brings back the full force pain and agony of these losses. I don't think it gets easier, but I think the time that passes helps me see the precious memories I have of the first and last times I held my beautiful children.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: small;">When I see pregnant women, I pray. I don't want anyone to have to feel the pain and loneliness I feel walking through each day. Many days I feel the loneliness and I feel like I have to drag myself through the thick pain and the deep hole that often engulfs my heart. I love to know that God is still allowing children to be born and those parents are able to experience the glimpses of joy from heaven.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'century gothic'; line-height: 24px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">My greatest source of therapy would be reading about and writing about my pain and the pain that others share. I have been in counseling and understand that my precious babies are safe in the arms of Jesus and I don't have to worry about sickness or pain or struggles they may face because the love and peace they are experiencing in heaven is much more than I could ever have provided. I also love to play volleyball and getting out on the court allows me to release pain in a constructive way. Finally, snuggling my other children helps me to thank the Lord that T.J., Josiah and Cadyn will never feel pain and gives me peace and joy that one day we will be reunited in heaven when we will spend eternity with our precious Jesus</span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2057031757460554604.post-66447252986873158922009-06-03T21:28:00.000-05:002009-06-03T22:00:07.059-05:00Sun Shining through the Dark CloudsDark, heavy clouds blanket the sky as I look up to heaven asking questions without answers. So many things seem to steal my focus as I rush and struggle through the day. How could I ever let go and move on? Is there any way I can ever stop relating circumstances in my life to what it would be like if my precious babies were here? There is no way my life will ever be the same. I love those gifts just as I love my three precious children here on this earth. I don't have the physical contact with my angels, like I do here with my kiddos, but I know that one day we will be reunited in Paradise and I will be able to hold them and get to know them and spend eternity with them and our family will be complete when we meet in the mansion that is being prepared for us.<div><br /></div><div>Why God? I cannot handle all this pain. You are sufficient and Your power is made perfect in my weakness. So where are you? Why can I not feel you giving me a hug and empathizing with my pain? I loved those kids before I ever knew their gender and even when I thought I had come to terms with losing my baby Cadyn, you surprise me and reveal that she was a girl when we originally thought she was a girl. A heavy fog seems to blur my vision as I fight through each day and wonder if the fog will ever clear. It has been nearly two months and I still feel like I am drowning in sorrow. Josiah has been gone nearly ten months and his precious face is as clear in my memory as it was just shy of a year ago.</div><div><br /></div><div>She said, "I'm sorry, hun. I just can't see a heartbeat. It should be here," she explained as she pointed to the lifeless form on the ultrasound screen. How could this be happening, I thought. Over and over I have listened and prayed and begged that God would give me the desire of my heart and I would once more carry a healthy baby and be given the honor of stewarding another precious child of the King. Over and over I have relived that memory and as much as I try to change how I see it, the nightmare never changes. No, this has to be wrong. It can't be happening again. Why? Not now...not ever!</div><div><br /></div><div>As I face yet another realization that I cannot change what has happened, I recognize the echoes of peace and soveriegnty that have been resonating in my restless heart and mind. Christ understands the pain in a different way. He sacrificed His life in order to save me. I wonder if my babies sacrificed life on this earth so that I could live. The lupus and the newly diagnosed struggles with hyperthyroidism may have had something to do with Cadyn and Josiah going Home earlier than planned, yet the definitive answer will never be revealed this side of heaven. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know God is going to use each and every fragment of my broken heart to bring Him glory, if only I will let go of the pieces and allow Him to put them together in His perfect will and allow others to benefit from the understanding and serenity that God will bring to my life when I surrender to my Savior and allow His hand to move in my life. My job is to get out of the way and let God use me as I learn and grow to be more like His precious Son, Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div>One day at a time, one step at a time I can see the light shining through the clouds in the midst of such turmoil in my heart and mind. II Cor. 1:3-4</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15417073561401909122noreply@blogger.com1