Monday, July 27, 2009

Apprehension toward approaching days

As the seventh of August approaches, I am apprehensive about what the day will bring. My emotions are slowly finding a motion of movement I am beginning in some small way to understand, but the rushes of grief and sadness I feel are still overwhelming enough to knock me to my knees. I am awed all the time by the incredible impact that Josiah has on my life even as we approach the year mark of him going to be with Jesus. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't want it this way. Yet I know that it's part of the Sovereignty of God and I keep trusting that the joy of the Lord will strengthen me as I encounter unexpected sadness and in those times when I just don't understand what my purpose is without all of my children walking with me here on earth, that the Lord will uphold me and give me a peace beyond human comprehension to perservere through the pain.

One year. It's hard to grasp that so much of my pain and sadness came just one year ago. I feel like I have spent a lifetime without my little Josiah and yet the last year has been one of tragedy and triumph in so many aspects of life. A piece of my heart left when Josiah did. The words of my doctor and friend still resonate in my dreams. "I am sorry honey. I just can't see any heartbeat." Holding my precious baby after what seemed like forever was the most bittersweet time in my life. I wish time would have stopped so that I could have held him longer. Yet I trust that I will get time to spend with him in eternity.

His precious little hands. His delicate little face. I will never forget the expression that I saw. Such a blessing and sense of peace shone through his still little face. No sadness, no pain, no fear, no hurt. The peace of our Savior and the joy of being in His presence. What else could anyone in the world ask for? Nothing. Josiah is complete. He is perfect. Even as I spent time with him all alone in that hospital room, I knew. As broken as my heart felt and as empty as I felt inside, my soul experienced peace in knowing that he was Home.

Over the past year, I have felt so many emotions come and go. Some have decided to hang around, but through it all my Lord has been steadfast and the promise of reunification with my baby is a hope I find in Jesus. I have learned to accept the pain of the past and endure the sadness in the loss and in the midst of it all, I find joy in knowing that Josiah will never experience the pain and hurt of this world. He will never experience fear as my older children do and the unending joy that he is basking in now gives me hope for the future and a sense of expectancy for my future in heaven.

As the next ten days approach and pass, my prayer is that I can find the strength to push through the sadness and as I experience the pain of the day, I hope that the Lord can help me express my feelings openly and freely with those around me. Most importantly, I pray I can shine with the joy and hope of Christ to my three children here on earth and help them understand that the hope I have is not in and of myself but through the saving grace of Jesus and the faith I have in knowing that He is all I need.


Saturday, July 4, 2009

Aftermath Clean-up...

Tomorrow will be eleven months since we said hello and goodbye to Josiah all in the same room, the same breath and he was gone. I desperately wanted that baby boy to come to our home and grow and change the way the three before him had and without thinking I just paced myself for four more months of being hot, fat and miserable. Yet, hearing the doctor say those words, "I am so sorry. I just don't see a heartbeat." In an instant, so many dreams were crushed and hopes were stolen. So many joys were taken and the promise of the future appeared dark and dreary. Babies were just difficult to carry to term for mommies with lupus. Well...I had defied the odds before so who said I couldn't do it again?! Don't tell me what I can't do. Tell me what I can do and I will find a way to incoporate the can't with the won't and allow God to pull me to Himself as I inch toward the solution that will be best for everyone.

Losing a child was not what God's best was for me was it? Questions still flood my mind and the emptiness is still there. My heart still feels broken and I spend many nights crying out to God for His comfort and peace. I don't know if or when this will ever end. I doubt it. I know this is my life and it's all in the plan God has for me. It's tough and it's sad.

Cadyn has been gone three months on Wednesday and it seems like yesterday. I miss her so much and I dread thinking of the fact that I assumed she was a boy without asking God to reveal to me who she was. I know her name came from the Lord, but I feel guilty for never knowing her as my daughter. Will these dates ever lose their sting? Will the pain ever turn to hope?

God, please give me what you know I need...