Friday, August 7, 2009

Happy Birthday Josiah!

It has been a year since we met and said goodbye to our precious baby Josiah. There are so many different times I have thought about him in the last year. I think about all the 'firsts' I have missed and all the quirks that God put into his personality that I have never had a chance to experience. I think about how similar he looked to his older brothers and I wonder who he would have been more like. Would he have followed Gabriel and been an intellectual giant who enjoys his video games but has a tender heart and the compassion to help those he sees who are without? Or would he have been a curious and inquisitive little boy like his big brother Grady? It's such a mystery what he would have looked like, how he would have expressed himself. Would he have been a blondie too? Or would he have been my dark haired, blue eyed baby?

We spent the day celebrating our little champ's birthday. We took balloons to church and wished him a happy birthday as we released them and the kids jumped and cheered that we were sending the balloons to Josiah who was in heaven with Jesus. Jill came out and prayed with us as we were getting ready to release the balloons. After that, we went to the Hastings waterpark and celebrated his birthday by spending over six hours swimming and enjoying spending time with one another. Daddy stayed home to spend some time alone and went to the cemetery to visit the sight where Josiah's little body was laid to rest.

After we got home, I went to find some flowers and take them out to the cemetery. When I walked into the store, I saw some balloons. I went looking for a birthday balloon and God provided a balloon with 'Happy 1st Birthday' written next to Winnie the Pooh and it was perfect! I got some red daisies (at least that's what they reminded me of...) and headed for the cemetery. It was right around dusk and as the cemetery grew closer, I prayed that the gates would still be opened as I truly wanted to visit the sight before closing. Placing the flowers and the balloon on the hook for Josiah was a very memorable experience. I wanted to fall in a puddle of tears and sob. Instead, I praised God for taking Josiah before he had to suffer and endure the pain of this world.

All in all, not a bad day. I miss him so and cannot wait to hold my little champ in my arms and though I know he recognizes the love I have for him, I cannot get over the time I am missing with my youngest son.

One question before I close...Babies are conceived in sin. Babies are born into sin and bear the burden of sin when they begin life in this world. So how can there be a guarantee that my babies are in heaven? If anyone has some scripture I can look at dealing with this, I would appreciate truth rather than the fear I am currently experiencing or the pain that does not seem to be subsiding.

In closing, I read today that Fear is a Feeling, but Trust is a Choice. I choose to trust God and pray His strength surrounds me and the peace of Christ exposes the feelings that are damaging and helps me to contradict the false feelings I feel. Peace to you all and joy of knowing my baby is safe and enjoying the view!