Tuesday, November 24, 2009


How many countless nights have I sat here wondering when this sleeplessness will end? The minutes creep on and the hours seem to last an eternity. I long for just one night of peaceful, serene sleep where I can wake up to the smiling faces of my children and the joy of a renewed body. God has truly been speaking to me in these nights of wide eyed dreariness. Am I enough? When the pain seems to be unbearable and the aches are overwhelming, am I enough? When the kids are being kids and your patience are spread thin, am I enough? As time splinters forward and the trials increase, am I enough? God has been here in these silent moments, when the deafening quiet threatens to pierce my rational thought. My questions are met with His questions. My thoughts are met with His thoughts. His word says, "trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." Through these nights of restlessness, I have wrestled with these questions. Over and over I have heard the words of God as Beth Moore quoted Psalm 37:3-4, "trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." He does not give me everything I want. That would make me a spoiled, selfish, insensitive brat and though I act that way sometimes, I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I have been called to something greater. Is He enough? I don't understand why I am lying here awake at three and four in the morning. I do not understand the disease that is ravaging my body. I do not understand the reason for giving me my heart's desire in Josiah and Cadyn, only to have them taken from me before a breath on this earth. I do not understand, yet I am not told to understand. I am told to trust Him. But, this is hard... But, there isn't money to afford it... But, I hurt... But, why...
It's as if I can feel Him wrap His arms around my head. When the nights get too long, who do I run to? When the pain gets too great, who do I crawl to? When the I can no longer carry my empty heart, who do I give it to? David gave his heart to God. Paul followed with fervency. Mary and Martha trusted even after Lazarus died. Will I choose to do this life on my own? Or is He enough?

Amber, am I enough?