Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hurricane Clean-up

How does the wreckage of life pile up so quickly and so deep that I can barely search to find an airway? Just when I think God may be clearing a path so that there is a break in the devastation, we run into all new piles of trash and destruction to dig through and climb out of. When does God allow His people breathing room? When do the people who love Him and follow Him get a chance to rest in His grace and bask in His glory? I realize that heaven is the time and this is not the place, but a glimpse here and there would help strengthen hope and deepen the desire for eternity. It's never a good idea to get comfortable. Every time I start to think things may be turning around another wave crashes over me and I can't see the shore. It can be something as simple as a memory or something as major as losing my baby boys. God is sovereign and I have to remember this. Nothing I do or think do I have the possibility of viewing its results in 3D. However, God sees them from all angles and positions and knows the beginning and the end before I approach the thought.

When? In heaven. I am only granted glimpses of heaven through His grace and mercy. I get so caught up in my little piece of life that I forget that it's not really about me. It's not about what I do or say and nothing I can accomplish is seen as anything more than filthy rags to the Savior of my soul. He does not care about my good works or my striving toward being a 'good' person. Jesus wants my heart and that means my whole being, not just my mind or my spirit or my emotions. Christ is standing beside me and He is patient, never silent and always loving. I need only remember the heights from and the depths to which I have fallen to recognize the immeasurable love my Savior has for me.

When does the destruction cease? When does the hurricane end? Only God knows and in His sovereignty I must trust that He sees the big picture and in eternity I will see the masterpiece He has created through my ups and downs, my trials and my triumphs, my struggles and successes. Above all, He has created a precious daughter whom He longs to be in constant relationship with and desires nothing that I have. He just wants to know me. After all He has done and sacrificed for me, nothing I can do or give comes remotely close to comparison of the love and devotion I have been given. It was freely given, but at the cost of His life. How can I do anything but devote my life to serving Him and sharing the love He has for all His children with those who have yet to experience His perfect peace? Whatever brings you glory!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pierced but not Crushed

When did other people's opinions become so vital to my mood? I guess I have spent most of my life trying to make other people happy and have a tendency to try to save people even if they don't want to be saved. However, lately the way people feel seems to affect my mood toward friends and family. It's difficult to stay focused on God when everything around me seems to be crumbling, yet I know that God is sufficient. Having your heart trampled on never becomes mundane, huh? No matter how many times it happens, the pain is real and the shock factor never fades. Persecution from people who don't trust the God I do seems to have less of an impact on me than it once did. I think the people who profess a love for Jesus and then puncture my heart is more damaging than those who live for themselves.

Typically, pregnancy has been the most joyful time as I anticipated the joy and love that I could share with the gift I was entrusted with. However, this time I have spent the past six weeks scared and hoping that God grants me mercy to care for this child here on earth. I am not sure when this fear will subside, but I know that God is sovereign and if He chooses to take this child Home before it is born I have the grace of God to get me through. Yet the pain and the anxiety are difficult to place in the hands of God. I know I have no control and that may be what makes the trust most difficult. I know God is good and I have to continue to rely on the truth that God is good. I don't understand and I don't begin to fathom the love He has for me or for the children He has entrusted to me. I would give my life for any one of them if it was necessary. Yet I often forget the fact that Christ already did.

Justification of the past has always been an escape route in my mind. However lately I have begun to realize the places that I was justifying were places along my journey when God was trying to get my attention and I was ignoring His call to me. I love the picture I imagine of God holding my precious boys who have gone to heaven and whispering in their ears the truth that no matter what it takes, I will be with them one day and no matter what the cost, I am His for eternity.

Proverbs 3:5-6 explains the past year...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

God spells it out for me and yet I lose sight of Him at every turn. Maybe one of these days I will learn to keep my eyes on His road...