When did other people's opinions become so vital to my mood? I guess I have spent most of my life trying to make other people happy and have a tendency to try to save people even if they don't want to be saved. However, lately the way people feel seems to affect my mood toward friends and family. It's difficult to stay focused on God when everything around me seems to be crumbling, yet I know that God is sufficient. Having your heart trampled on never becomes mundane, huh? No matter how many times it happens, the pain is real and the shock factor never fades. Persecution from people who don't trust the God I do seems to have less of an impact on me than it once did. I think the people who profess a love for Jesus and then puncture my heart is more damaging than those who live for themselves.
Typically, pregnancy has been the most joyful time as I anticipated the joy and love that I could share with the gift I was entrusted with. However, this time I have spent the past six weeks scared and hoping that God grants me mercy to care for this child here on earth. I am not sure when this fear will subside, but I know that God is sovereign and if He chooses to take this child Home before it is born I have the grace of God to get me through. Yet the pain and the anxiety are difficult to place in the hands of God. I know I have no control and that may be what makes the trust most difficult. I know God is good and I have to continue to rely on the truth that God is good. I don't understand and I don't begin to fathom the love He has for me or for the children He has entrusted to me. I would give my life for any one of them if it was necessary. Yet I often forget the fact that Christ already did.
Justification of the past has always been an escape route in my mind. However lately I have begun to realize the places that I was justifying were places along my journey when God was trying to get my attention and I was ignoring His call to me. I love the picture I imagine of God holding my precious boys who have gone to heaven and whispering in their ears the truth that no matter what it takes, I will be with them one day and no matter what the cost, I am His for eternity.
Proverbs 3:5-6 explains the past year...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
God spells it out for me and yet I lose sight of Him at every turn. Maybe one of these days I will learn to keep my eyes on His road...
YEAH! Amber! "But Now this is YOU the Lord, say --You who created me, You who formed me: Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2.
ReplyDeleteAwe - the realization that our life is not our own. That is such a difficult reality we all struggle with as Christians. Our human nature (sin nature) says that I am more important than everyone else and that my life matters the most and that I need to be successful, feel good, behave a certain way, etc. etc. Yet, as a follower of Jesus, in relationship with Him, he asks us to lay aside our wants, desires, and needs and to trust Him to take care of us and do what is best for us and for those around us. It may feel like being a pawn at times, the piece in a chess game that is expendable and the first to be sacrificed, but trusting our Father in Heaven to do for us is good. I am reminded as I read your blog entry that in the Chronicles of Narnia, it is said of Aslan, the lion king, "He is not safe, but he is good!" Our Heavenly Father may not be safe (we are his pawns at times) but He is good! And grasping what good really means will take us a lifetime and beyond to get a hold of. Blessings to you and to your family and soon-to-be family member!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you were expecting again. Congratulations! I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI found you through Sarah at The Wall Family--I hope you don't mind! You have such a beautiful spirit--such a precious faith and such an honest heart! One of my children is in heaven with Jesus also and I wrote about my experience yesterday and I remember the fear I had initially when I was pregnant again. Afraid to become so attached, afraid to rejoice--but then I remember the Lord visiting my heart and asking me to Trust him. He did tell me that these babies would be delivered strong and healthy (but even if he didn't--what he wanted was for me to trust and not be afraid and that was the hardest thing to do!)
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and your sweet baby and that the peace of Christ will guard your heart and your mind!!!