One month. I never ever thought a month could be so long and so heart-wrenching all while being full of sweet memories and joys that exceed my expectations. I miss Cadyn so much and yet I feel such enormous peace knowing that he is forever held by Jesus and will never experience the heart-ache and pain that is felt on this earth. His beautiful face and the gentleness of what I can imagine would have been evident in his heart give me peace and hope for the future. One day I will hold my baby boy and I will know the color of his eyes and the joy of my heart will be fulfilled in total. I can only dream of the tremendous joy that I will one day experience when I see my boys and hold them all close. God has given me such an enormous love for the children I have here on earth and I know that when I reach heaven, I will know the love of all six of my children and I will have full knowledge of the joy and love that God has for me. I know that I only understand and am able to comprehend a piece of the love that God has for me and the vast joy He feels when I run to Him now. I can’t fathom what it will be like when I am able to see my Jesus face to face and He can hold me in His arms. There is no peace or feeling like it here on earth that comes close to what I hope to experience in heaven. I believe God’s word is true and the nuggets of truth I have heard of His paradise are not anything I can imagine or grasp.
Just one month after my dear baby was given a name on earth, I feel peace in my heart knowing that God had already known him and had known the plan for his short life here on this earth long before Cadyn ever came to be and I know that God knows and planned for every hair on his sweet head and God knows the color of his eyes and all the other little details that I never knew of my baby boy. All my boys are secrets and the details of their personalities and their precious bodies are known by my God and one day I will see them again and I will know them and I can experience eternity forever with my boys. I pray that my boys, Gabriel and Grady, as well as my treasured daughter Grace will understand the love of Jesus in a real and personal way. God gave me these six amazing children and I wonder almost daily if I am fulfilling God’s calling on my life to be the mother these three need and I pray every night that the desires of Jesus’ heart will become the desires of theirs and that when Jesus returns or when we go to see our Savior that once again we will all be united as the precious family I always dreamed of having.
Trials and triumphs pass, but the love of my Savior never waivers. Really?, I ask. Is there nothing I can do that will turn God away from me? Nothing!, He says. I don’t understand it, but I am grateful. Only my God, who knows every person and desires a personal relationship with the most wretched of us would take the time to get to know me and would listen to all that I find wrong with my life and all the poor choices I have made, all the sin I have committed; then without a second thought He loves me and accepts me as His daughter. I want to love Him as He loves me and though I know that I cannot come close to understanding His love for me, I know that one day I will bow before the precious Son of God and I pray that He will say He is proud of me and He loves me.
My emotions are overwhelmed with sadness and joy. How do you experience joy and grief at the same time? My heart hurts and my mind is spinning. Will I have to wait til heaven to understand my emotions?
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