Cadyn Jo

Oh miss, I couldn’t help but notice you are nearly ready to deliver a new bundle of joy. How many more weeks do you have? Is the nursery all ready to bring the baby home? Are you spending plenty of time resting and preparing yourself for the changes that are to come? Can we make you some meals when your new baby arrives so that you don’t have to be concerned with food and you can focus on the new baby and all that is a part of your new life?

So many of these questions are like faint memories that reverberate through my mind. As if the thoughts are merely a dream, I have forgotten the joy that comes with carrying a new baby into this world. I know it was an unexplainable joy that cannot be described justifiably with the vocabulary available to us.

Another projected due date came and passed as an autumn rain in the Midwest seems to pound upon us and at once is gone. My heart feels broken and yet there is that unexplainable sense of peace. I do not understand these emotions and I doubt I ever will. The deep emptiness I feel will one day be filled by my three beautiful children and until that day I must draw strength from my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.

Pain tranquilizes my mind and numbs my achy soul. I long to escape the hurt in my heart and the pain that feels as if my heart has been crushed. God, you are my only comfort. You are my only refuge. Lord, please. Please, I beg you. Take this pain from me, fill it with You.

Happy Birthday Josiah!

It has been a year since we met and said goodbye to our precious baby Josiah. There are so many different times I have thought about him in the last year. I think about all the 'firsts' I have missed and all the quirks that God put into his personality that I have never had a chance to experience. I think about how similar he looked to his older brothers and I wonder who he would have been more like. Would he have followed Gabriel and been an intellectual giant who enjoys his video games but has a tender heart and the compassion to help those he sees who are without? Or would he have been a curious and inquisitive little boy like his big brother Grady? It's such a mystery what he would have looked like, how he would have expressed himself. Would he have been a blondie too? Or would he have been my dark haired, blue eyed baby?

We spent the day celebrating our little champ's birthday. We took balloons to church and wished him a happy birthday as we released them and the kids jumped and cheered that we were sending the balloons to Josiah who was in heaven with Jesus. Jill came out and prayed with us as we were getting ready to release the balloons. After that, we went to the Hastings waterpark and celebrated his birthday by spending over six hours swimming and enjoying spending time with one another. Daddy stayed home to spend some time alone and went to the cemetery to visit the sight where Josiah's little body was laid to rest.

After we got home, I went to find some flowers and take them out to the cemetery. When I walked into the store, I saw some balloons. I went looking for a birthday balloon and God provided a balloon with 'Happy 1st Birthday' written next to Winnie the Pooh and it was perfect! I got some red daisies (at least that's what they reminded me of...) and headed for the cemetery. It was right around dusk and as the cemetery grew closer, I prayed that the gates would still be opened as I truly wanted to visit the sight before closing. Placing the flowers and the balloon on the hook for Josiah was a very memorable experience. I wanted to fall in a puddle of tears and sob. Instead, I praised God for taking Josiah before he had to suffer and endure the pain of this world.

All in all, not a bad day. I miss him so and cannot wait to hold my little champ in my arms and though I know he recognizes the love I have for him, I cannot get over the time I am missing with my youngest son.

One question before I close...Babies are conceived in sin. Babies are born into sin and bear the burden of sin when they begin life in this world. So how can there be a guarantee that my babies are in heaven? If anyone has some scripture I can look at dealing with this, I would appreciate truth rather than the fear I am currently experiencing or the pain that does not seem to be subsiding.

In closing, I read today that Fear is a Feeling, but Trust is a Choice. I choose to trust God and pray His strength surrounds me and the peace of Christ exposes the feelings that are damaging and helps me to contradict the false feelings I feel. Peace to you all and joy of knowing my baby is safe and enjoying the view!

Apprehension toward approaching days

As the seventh of August approaches, I am apprehensive about what the day will bring. My emotions are slowly finding a motion of movement I am beginning in some small way to understand, but the rushes of grief and sadness I feel are still overwhelming enough to knock me to my knees. I am awed all the time by the incredible impact that Josiah has on my life even as we approach the year mark of him going to be with Jesus. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't want it this way. Yet I know that it's part of the Sovereignty of God and I keep trusting that the joy of the Lord will strengthen me as I encounter unexpected sadness and in those times when I just don't understand what my purpose is without all of my children walking with me here on earth, that the Lord will uphold me and give me a peace beyond human comprehension to perservere through the pain.

One year. It's hard to grasp that so much of my pain and sadness came just one year ago. I feel like I have spent a lifetime without my little Josiah and yet the last year has been one of tragedy and triumph in so many aspects of life. A piece of my heart left when Josiah did. The words of my doctor and friend still resonate in my dreams. "I am sorry honey. I just can't see any heartbeat." Holding my precious baby after what seemed like forever was the most bittersweet time in my life. I wish time would have stopped so that I could have held him longer. Yet I trust that I will get time to spend with him in eternity.

His precious little hands. His delicate little face. I will never forget the expression that I saw. Such a blessing and sense of peace shone through his still little face. No sadness, no pain, no fear, no hurt. The peace of our Savior and the joy of being in His presence. What else could anyone in the world ask for? Nothing. Josiah is complete. He is perfect. Even as I spent time with him all alone in that hospital room, I knew. As broken as my heart felt and as empty as I felt inside, my soul experienced peace in knowing that he was Home.

Over the past year, I have felt so many emotions come and go. Some have decided to hang around, but through it all my Lord has been steadfast and the promise of reunification with my baby is a hope I find in Jesus. I have learned to accept the pain of the past and endure the sadness in the loss and in the midst of it all, I find joy in knowing that Josiah will never experience the pain and hurt of this world. He will never experience fear as my older children do and the unending joy that he is basking in now gives me hope for the future and a sense of expectancy for my future in heaven.

As the next ten days approach and pass, my prayer is that I can find the strength to push through the sadness and as I experience the pain of the day, I hope that the Lord can help me express my feelings openly and freely with those around me. Most importantly, I pray I can shine with the joy and hope of Christ to my three children here on earth and help them understand that the hope I have is not in and of myself but through the saving grace of Jesus and the faith I have in knowing that He is all I need.

Blessings.

Aftermath Clean-up...

Tomorrow will be eleven months since we said hello and goodbye to Josiah all in the same room, the same breath and he was gone. I desperately wanted that baby boy to come to our home and grow and change the way the three before him had and without thinking I just paced myself for four more months of being hot, fat and miserable. Yet, hearing the doctor say those words, "I am so sorry. I just don't see a heartbeat." In an instant, so many dreams were crushed and hopes were stolen. So many joys were taken and the promise of the future appeared dark and dreary. Babies were just difficult to carry to term for mommies with lupus. Well...I had defied the odds before so who said I couldn't do it again?! Don't tell me what I can't do. Tell me what I can do and I will find a way to incoporate the can't with the won't and allow God to pull me to Himself as I inch toward the solution that will be best for everyone.

Losing a child was not what God's best was for me was it? Questions still flood my mind and the emptiness is still there. My heart still feels broken and I spend many nights crying out to God for His comfort and peace. I don't know if or when this will ever end. I doubt it. I know this is my life and it's all in the plan God has for me. It's tough and it's sad.

Cadyn has been gone three months on Wednesday and it seems like yesterday. I miss her so much and I dread thinking of the fact that I assumed she was a boy without asking God to reveal to me who she was. I know her name came from the Lord, but I feel guilty for never knowing her as my daughter. Will these dates ever lose their sting? Will the pain ever turn to hope?

God, please give me what you know I need...

Waves of Depression, Winds of Desperation

Three months, thirteen days. Still no job. Leads have fallen through, the disconnect notices fly in and holding onto God with all I have, I try desperately to trust Him in His soveriegnty. Cruising along on His waves of grace and mercy I feel like things are going His way and suddenly I feel swept away by depression and hopelessness. Friends come beside me to remind me of His faithfulness and help me see the bigger picture, but as I am engulfed by the wave of depression, I feel myself sinking and am not sure how to breathe. My first thought was that I had taken my eyes off Christ. However, I have been in the Word more and more and I seem to understand less and less. Sounds backwards to me. Like when the storm arose and the disciples were scared. They took their eyes off the knowledge they had that Christ had the power and the control to save them and bring them through the storm. Instead, they let fear creep into their beings and when they cried out to Him, Jesus calmed the waves. Oh how I long to have the waves calmed...

Previous methods of coping and old ways of handling stress have crept back into my thoughts. I don't like the repercussions that come with the former reliances I placed on myself. However, the time taken to kick in was much faster than waiting and wishing and hoping for a release and a refreshment of my faith. I try to shut these ideas out and not give them power but the fear of being stuck in this nightmare forever seems to help me fuel the thoughts of taking matters into my own hands. I will screw things up, but I feel pretty screwed up right now anyhow.

I want to bring God glory. He gave up everything, more than I could ever imagine. So, I refuse to give into temptation. Yet I wonder where the testing will take me. Is it testing? Is it trial? Is it sanctification? What is the purpose and how do I handle it when I don't know the purpose in it nor do I see the joy in the midst of this battle?

I was hoping to type this out and reason through it so that I understood what was happening. I think I just confused my own brain and now I am sad that I couldn't help the confusion.

Oh well....better luck next time!

See ya

And the storm rages on...

As I sit here in Room 3325 of the pediatric unit at Good Samaritan Hospital, I wonder what God is trying to teach me.  Is it endurance, perservearance, long-suffering?  Is it patience, dependence, or reliance?  Is it all of these things?  Honestly, I don't understand how one person can continue to dig into life after all the tragedy and trials we have been handed.  Since February '08, it has been a constant whirlwind of loss, change and redirection.  Do I continue to steer myself and my family in the wrong direction?  Is this temptation from satan or testing of the Lord?

Grady, the youngest living Kimball boy was hospitalized yesterday evening due to a temperature of 105 after having gone through surgery on Thursday to repair a right inguinal hernia.  Everything was going well and he was recovering, though slow and painful.  We went about our day and I was thanking God for the ease at which Grady appeared to be regaining strength.  He had eaten a little, was drinking well and was in good spirits.  He was lethargic and seemed warm, but he had just had surgery so I was not too concerned.  I decided just to be safe I would check his temp. because though I am always cool, I thought it seemed like his body was getting warmer.  Checking with the electronic ear thermometer, I gasped at the number on the tiny digital screen:  103.2 and immediately stood to find Chad.

I told him the temp. and without a second thought, he told me to get him in.  They ran blood cultures, did CBC testing, started an IV and then the doctor came in to say his recommendation was for us to stay the night and see how things went.  As he pulled the tegaderm away from the incision, Grady squealed at the intensity of pain and tried to commandeer the doctors hand to stop the pain.  Upon removal of the bandages, we discovered redness and swelling and again I was encouraged to keep him here for observation for the night.

So, after just less than three hours in the ER, we were brought to our temporary sleep spot, room 3325.  Diana, the nurse who was just beginning her shift helped get Grady situated and tried to help Grady feel safe.  I had a difficult time watching him writhe in pain and squirm from the irritation of having everyone poking and listening and viewing his sore little body.  I never knew I could hurt so bad for someone else.  There really is something about children being the part of a mother's heart that walks and talks and lives outside her body.  There is nothing more heart-wrenching for me than knowing your precious child is in pain and that there is not a single thing you can do about it.

I guess I have sort of an idea what God must have felt when He watched His only Son writhe in pain on the cross and knew that in order to bring me to Himself, there was nothing He could do to relieve the pain or shorten the anguish.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking of how much Jesus must love me that He is willing to endure that type of beating and death for me when He knew I would screw up and not love Him for several years and not acknowledge the part I would play in His story of my life.  It's not my story to tell.  It's my story to live, but the plot has already been written and the ending is already told.  The hero has already won and the evil one knows of his ultimate demise.

Do I fulling understand and trust the saving grace of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?  No.  Will I ever grasp the depths of His love and devotion for me, a sinner?  Not this side of heaven.  However, knowing a piece of the pain my Father in heaven endured in order to send His only Son so that I could be a member of the Holy Family of Believers for eternity in heaven, there is not a more incredible way I would want to spend my life than as a servant of the Creator of the Universe and the Almighty God of Everything.  How can I give anything less than my life to someone who's Son died so that I could live!?

So, where does Grady fit into all this?  Well, as I have ranted and raved and cried and lamented over the past eighteen months of my life, it occurred to me this afternoon that the reaction I choose in the midst of this pain and suffering should be that of the reaction of God.  I will press forward no matter what the cost because I know that just as I have Grady's best in mind and it was heartbreaking to see them put an IV in his beautiful little hand, God had my best in mind and though it was heartbreaking to see His ONLY Son died such a brutal and tragic death, the rewards and the health that come from initial pain and eventual endurance are priceless to those of us who reap the benefits of the sacrifice.  I am not ranking my observation and emotion of Grady's recent hospital stay nearly as intense as those felt by our Father on the day Jesus died.  However, I believe God has shown His heart to me in a small way this last few days throught the redemptive power of Christ and the unending faithfulness of the God of the universe.

Praise God for His unending love and unfathomable faithfulness.  No one can begin to grasp His greatness and the love He holds in His heart and in the heavenlies for us to one day live in that perfect love of Jesus.  His word tells us, NO ONE can grasp how wide and how long, how high and how deep the love of Christ is for us and the more I see glimpses and receive fragments of the love He has for me, the more I know His love for me is incomprable to anything I will know this side of heaven.

Hang on, Grady!  Momma is praying God will heal your precious body and renew your mind.  I am praying the blood of Jesus to bind the enemy from anymore attacks on you and to continue to use those around us, who we love and adore to remind us of the power and strength and love and joy He has for us when we are ready to let go of this world and hold His hand as He walks us through this life, trials and triumphs, into the life of eternity He has promised.

I love you Grady!  You are truly Momma's Little Champ!

God bless!

Showers of Mercy, Winds of Joy

I jump up and run for the shower.  Everyone is still sleeping so I can get some great time alone with God, without interruptions for milk, snacks, disagreements, etc.  As I am enjoying the warm water, I hear a knock at the door and an adorable little voice exclaims, "Momma, miwk pweeeeaaaze".  I smile, look up to heaven and thank God for the health and joy placed in our little Squirt.  I climb out the shower, get dressed and as I turn the doorknob, I am bombarded by a mad rush of arms and smiles and hugs.  I recognize my immediate calling to get kiddos ready for the day and as I take off on a sprint through Tuesday, I grab my breakfast (diet coke & animal crackers) and head for the boys' room to pull clean clothes out for my boys.

After selecting something comfortable and easy to put on, I run upstairs to help our precious, stubborn, beautiful, strong-willed daughter select her wardrobe for the day.  She is already to thinking about what she wants to wear and informs me that she will be picking her clothes out and I 'don't have to worry about it' because she is a grown-up.  Yeah...  I run into the bathroom, pick up towels and laundry from the morning and the previous evening, run into our bedroom and do the same.  As I am glancing over the room, I see my MOPS copy of Our Daily Bread.  I pick it up thinking maybe I will have the three minutes I need to read over the page for today.

As I turn to June 9, here is what I read....

A Life Remembered

"Daddy, help me."  Those were the last words Dianne and Gary Cronin heard their daughter say as she struggled to breathe.  Kristin, 14 years old, died suddenly-just two days after saying she didn't feel well.  A strep infection attacked her body on Thursday. By Saturday, she was pleading with her daddy to help her.

Before Kristin died, I was scheduled to speak at her family's church in Soldotna, Alaska.  In God's timing, I stood before the congregation the day after her funeral.  Kristin was one of those vivacious teens who loved Jesus and lived for Him-and whose sudden death leaves us with a million questions.

Because I went through a similar loss of my own teenage daughter a few years ago, I was able to offer some advice to this stunned and grieving church.  First, I said, we must recognize God's sovereignty.  Psalm 139:16 reminds us that Kristin's life was the exact length God intended.  Second, I asked the church never to forget her family.  Whether it's two months or five years later, the family will never "get over" losing Kristin.  They will never stop needing Christians who care and remember.

In times like this don't forget that God is in control and that He wants us to be a comfort to others.

When we sustain a heartbreaking loss,

When grief overwhelms our soul,

The Savior who gave Himself on the cross,

Reminds us that He's in control.

II Corinthians 1:4...that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

God used a three minute devotional to catch me by surprise and help me to look at where I was and where I am.  He helped me to see what I have done and who I am not.  He helped me see who He is and who He can make me IF I let Him.  What a blessing it is to know that God works in ALL things...even the papers I get for random things, from random places.

Christ is calling, through the rain and wind of each day.

Are you listening?