Aftermath Clean-up...

Tomorrow will be eleven months since we said hello and goodbye to Josiah all in the same room, the same breath and he was gone. I desperately wanted that baby boy to come to our home and grow and change the way the three before him had and without thinking I just paced myself for four more months of being hot, fat and miserable. Yet, hearing the doctor say those words, "I am so sorry. I just don't see a heartbeat." In an instant, so many dreams were crushed and hopes were stolen. So many joys were taken and the promise of the future appeared dark and dreary. Babies were just difficult to carry to term for mommies with lupus. Well...I had defied the odds before so who said I couldn't do it again?! Don't tell me what I can't do. Tell me what I can do and I will find a way to incoporate the can't with the won't and allow God to pull me to Himself as I inch toward the solution that will be best for everyone.

Losing a child was not what God's best was for me was it? Questions still flood my mind and the emptiness is still there. My heart still feels broken and I spend many nights crying out to God for His comfort and peace. I don't know if or when this will ever end. I doubt it. I know this is my life and it's all in the plan God has for me. It's tough and it's sad.

Cadyn has been gone three months on Wednesday and it seems like yesterday. I miss her so much and I dread thinking of the fact that I assumed she was a boy without asking God to reveal to me who she was. I know her name came from the Lord, but I feel guilty for never knowing her as my daughter. Will these dates ever lose their sting? Will the pain ever turn to hope?

God, please give me what you know I need...