Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Waves of Depression, Winds of Desperation

Three months, thirteen days. Still no job. Leads have fallen through, the disconnect notices fly in and holding onto God with all I have, I try desperately to trust Him in His soveriegnty. Cruising along on His waves of grace and mercy I feel like things are going His way and suddenly I feel swept away by depression and hopelessness. Friends come beside me to remind me of His faithfulness and help me see the bigger picture, but as I am engulfed by the wave of depression, I feel myself sinking and am not sure how to breathe. My first thought was that I had taken my eyes off Christ. However, I have been in the Word more and more and I seem to understand less and less. Sounds backwards to me. Like when the storm arose and the disciples were scared. They took their eyes off the knowledge they had that Christ had the power and the control to save them and bring them through the storm. Instead, they let fear creep into their beings and when they cried out to Him, Jesus calmed the waves. Oh how I long to have the waves calmed...

Previous methods of coping and old ways of handling stress have crept back into my thoughts. I don't like the repercussions that come with the former reliances I placed on myself. However, the time taken to kick in was much faster than waiting and wishing and hoping for a release and a refreshment of my faith. I try to shut these ideas out and not give them power but the fear of being stuck in this nightmare forever seems to help me fuel the thoughts of taking matters into my own hands. I will screw things up, but I feel pretty screwed up right now anyhow.

I want to bring God glory. He gave up everything, more than I could ever imagine. So, I refuse to give into temptation. Yet I wonder where the testing will take me. Is it testing? Is it trial? Is it sanctification? What is the purpose and how do I handle it when I don't know the purpose in it nor do I see the joy in the midst of this battle?

I was hoping to type this out and reason through it so that I understood what was happening. I think I just confused my own brain and now I am sad that I couldn't help the confusion.

Oh well....better luck next time!
See ya
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2 comments:

  1. Dusty6/30/2009 07:08:00 PM

    Oh Amber, the dark can seem SO dark sometimes. In a recent dark time I didn't want to hear all the encouragement from friends, from music or even from God's word. Then I heard a song with the lyrics, "All of my plans, all of my dreams-I lay them at your feet. All of my time, all that was mine-I committ to your design...'cause you're the one, the only one who dared to give it all away for me". Suddenly something clicked in me. I didn't want to hear how great God was, how mighty to save He was, or anything like that (although I knew it was true). The lyrics to this song pointed me to the suffering of Christ. I wanted the God who felt pain, who understood my broken, scared heart. I continue to praise God that He is All that we need. He is great, He is mighty to save, but he also wept, suffered, and hurt. I continue to pray for you. I'm so grateful you have an outlet for your pain and that you trust God with your confusion and doubts. Love you sweet sister in Christ.

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  2. Carol6/30/2009 08:13:00 PM

    God does not ask us or expect us to understand what we are experiencing. He asks/expects us to keep our eyes on Him, to depend on him, and to trust Him with the unknown. Trust is a very difficult thing to do when we have experienced hurt/pain/disappointment. Job continued to praise God even when everything he had was gone. I cannot begin to feel all that you are feeling. My words seem so hollow. But I prayer that you will keep crying out to our Savior and Lord.

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