Steering the boat through the typhoon

Pain, anger, hurt, fear, resentment, peace, longing, sadness, joy, the list could go on and on.  As one wave subsides, another roars into view and as I am hit by the torrent of emotion, I must find a way to stay the course and keep my eyes on Jesus.  How?  Why?  Is it worth it?  Will I make it through? My heart is broken and some of the pieces that are gone, will be missing until I hold my sweet babies in heaven.  Other pieces could be reattached if I could only lean hard into Jesus and hold tight to His Truth.  Psalm 10:17 says, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."  My heart is broken and He knows.  I don't understand the reasons and maybe I never will.  Yet, I find it a struggle to cry out to Him because it is He who took my babies home.  They were His first and He loves them more than I could ever love them.

Recognition of His perfect will is difficult in the midst of such pain and sadness.  I feel the loss, yet Cadyn and Josiah are home.  I should not long for them to be back here, rather I long for the day when our family can be reunited as one when we are all at Home with Jesus.  I make plans and I reorganize my schedule and I plan where life should be going, but only He has the power to make it happen.  I am living the life He has given me.  It's not my right to direct the show.  When I take over, the show is cancelled and ratings fall.  Yet when I allow Him to be the director of my life, ratings soar and peace overwhelms my heart.

I know my boys are safe and they are forever in the care of our Savior.  I know Jesus will is perfect and the pain and sadness will be gone as I am reunited with them one day.  The emptiness will be filled and there will be no more tears.  Yet for now, I must continue to steer through the pain and keep my compass set on my Savior as I work out the life He has given me and care for the children He entrusted to my care.

Whatever brings You glory...

One month.  I never ever thought a month could be so long and so heart-wrenching all while being full of sweet  memories and joys that exceed my expectations.  I miss Cadyn so much and yet I feel such enormous peace knowing that he is forever held by Jesus and will never experience the heart-ache and pain that is felt on this earth.  His beautiful face and the gentleness of what I can imagine would have been evident in his heart give me peace and hope for the future.  One day I will hold my baby boy and I will know the color of his eyes and the joy of my heart will be fulfilled in total.  I can only dream of the tremendous joy that I will one day experience when I see my boys and hold them all close.   God has given me such an enormous love for the children I have here on earth and I know that when I reach heaven, I will know the love of all six of my children and I will have full knowledge of the joy and love that God has for me.  I know that I only understand and am able to comprehend a piece of the love that God has for me and the vast joy He feels when I run to Him now.  I can’t fathom what it will be like when I am able to see my Jesus face to face and He can hold me in His arms.  There is no peace or feeling like it here on earth that comes close to what I hope to experience in heaven.  I believe God’s word is true and the nuggets of truth I have heard of His paradise are not anything I can imagine or grasp.

Just one month after my dear baby was given a name on earth, I feel peace in my heart knowing that God had already known him and had known the plan for his short life here on this earth long before Cadyn ever came to be and I know that God knows and planned for every hair on his sweet head and God knows the color of his eyes and all the other little details that I never knew of my baby boy.  All my boys are secrets and the details of their personalities and their precious bodies are known by my God and one day I will see them again and I will know them and I can experience eternity forever with my boys.  I pray that my boys, Gabriel and Grady, as well as my treasured daughter Grace will understand the love of Jesus in a real and personal way.  God gave me these six amazing children and I wonder almost daily if I am fulfilling God’s calling on my life to be the mother these three need and I pray every night that the desires of Jesus’ heart will become the desires of theirs and that when Jesus returns or when we go to see our Savior that once again we will all be united as the precious family I always dreamed of having.

Trials and triumphs pass, but the love of my Savior never waivers.  Really?, I ask.  Is there nothing I can do that will turn God away from me?  Nothing!, He says.  I don’t understand it, but I am grateful.  Only my God, who knows every person and desires a personal relationship with the most wretched of us would take the time to get to know me and would listen to all that I find wrong with my life and all the poor choices I have made, all the sin I have committed; then without a second thought He loves me and accepts me as His daughter.  I want to love Him as He loves me and though I know that I cannot come close to understanding His love for me, I know that one day I will bow before the precious Son of God and I pray that He will say He is proud of me and He loves me.

My emotions are overwhelmed with sadness and joy.  How do you experience joy and grief at the same time?  My heart hurts and my mind is spinning.  Will I have to wait til heaven to understand my emotions? 

Rain on Me

Isaiah 45:8 says "You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. 
       Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; 
       I, the LORD, have created it."

Rain on Me, Jesus

by Amber Kimball

Walking a tightrope, not knowing where I'm headed,

Facing circumstances of the heart that I want to let go.

Hopes and dreams I once had, now appear shredded

And the pain I feel in my heart, I don't want to show.

As I waiver and I shake, I fear the fall below me.

Challenging winds and distractions pull me down.

Chains grip my heart though I long to be free,

No one can see it, pain surrounds me like a gown.

Bring me Your peace, Lord, show me your heart.

As I look inside myself I see only sadness

Reminders surround me and pierce like a dart.

Refusing to grieve can cause inevitable madness.

You set me apart when I accepted Your Son;

Is it Your will that I heal and use this to lead?

I have been given life, the sacrifice is done.

Am I living out my days as the soul that you freed?

I cherish the boys that right now I can't hold.

Josiah and Cadyn in my heart you are dear.

You were spared from the pain to walk streets of gold.

Rain on me Jesus, make my path to you clear.

Oh how I long to know all my kids and hold them and watch them as they grow.  Yet God took the boys before they took a breath.  He spared them the trials, the struggles, the pain.  He is the rightful owner, yet I tighten my grasp and hope I can hold out til the Day of our Savior comes to fruition.  Spare me the pain and if you can't, Lord help me endure the emptiness I feel as I work out my life and desire peace above understanding.

Grab Hold of the Raft

Tonight by Jeremy Camp

In this time, I know I need to be more broken.
Then I find, I feel this passion grow, to face all that's been lost.
It's not too late to give control now.  I don't know why I wait, 

You're always calling me.

Tonight, I will take my cross.  Tonight I will count the cost.
Tonight, I realize to take hold of  this very moment.

In this time, You draw me by these words You've spoken.
I feel inside, this neverending hope. 

I've placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You.  

The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me.
I will take this moment.  And I feel that it's closer.  

And I kneel to show You this desperate heart of mine.

It's time.  I have spent almost seven years searching for how to hear God speak to me.  This weekend I attended a leadership training for MOPS that has changed how I think about hearing from God.  One of the speakers said it is time to stop listening for the whispers from God and start paying attention to the echo He is sending me each and every day.  I wait and search for how He is speaking to me, but each day I miss how He is echoing His unquenchable love for me.  He loves me more than I could ever love anyone or anything.  He loves me beyond reason and beyond comprehension.  He loves me beyond the heights and depths, beyond the sky and further than the wind blows.  Why? Is this really a question I deserve to ask?  I have to say no.  I deserve punishment and restitution, but He chose to sacrifice His Son and His Son chose to come and be punished and beat and treated as a criminal so that I could reach a Father who loves me more than I deserve and cares more than I will ever comprehend.  I am desperate to know the love of our Savior and am ever searching for the reason.  The reason is because He loves me.  What more do I need to know?  God's Word tells us our hearts will never understand and yet I waste so much God-given time wondering why and attempting to figure it out.  He just wants my heart.  

He poured out His love for me through the blood of His Son.  He took on all my trash and never questioned my motives.  He knew what a mess I would be and yet He loves me anyways.  What do I want?  What do I need?  Nothing more than I already have.  I must make the choice to accept it.  Accept the love of my Savior and take hold of what is already mine...

Storms Blowing Through

When I began this blog, I never expected I would have two sons to write and remember. The loss of Josiah was such a shock, I thought nothing in this life could ever compare to the pain I had experienced. I was wrong. I believe it is worse the second time around. A small part of me thought maybe it would be numbing to experience similar losses more than once. I guess the saying that all children are different applies here as well. My heart breaks as I think of that little face I held so close. I kissed him gently as I rationalized that it would be okay to let go because I will see him again one day and he will be Dancing with Jesus. I guess the reality of letting go didn't set in as I had anticipated. Subsequent losses only result in deeper pain and more questions. The 'why me' is still there but now I wonder if there is something my older children will deal with later in life because of their genes. Christ says, His grace is sufficient. I don't see His grace when I am in the moment, which makes it extremely difficult to recognize the grace being poured out on me.



I know He is always there and I know there are countless numbers of times when Christ has showered His grace and mercy on me. I look back and remember numerous instances when the winds of change blew from around me and yet the strength of Christ remained. How, then do I find the grace and mercy and power of Christ exhibited in my life now, when the greatest whirlwind of my life seems to be swirling around me?

Psalm 56:13 says, "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in you presence, O God, in your life-giving light." I know this life-giving light is right in front of me just waiting for me to grasp it. I see it yet so many days I glance at it and continue on, without realizing the peace and strength I have left behind. Christ tells us to take up our crosses and follow Him. Are we really naive enough to believe the crosses we bear are burdens we can carry on our own? You're kiddin' me, right... This life is but a vapor, a speck in the sight of eternity and yet we worry. God alone has rescued me and with Him as my Knight in Shining Armor, I have already won. Will I choose to take hold of what I have already been given or will I leave it behind and continue to carry that which is too weighty to bear?

Cadyn, my baby...no one will ever know the joy you brought, though you were here such a short time. Seeing your beautiful face, so peaceful. I cannot explain the enormity of thoughts and dreams I could see in your gentle face. Though those are dreams I had for you, the life that you are now living in eternity is the life you were made for. As I await the day when I hold you in my arms, I know that God will keep me focused on His prize so long as I keep my gaze on Him. You were, but once in the fold of my arms, but I will forever hold you in the depths of my heart.

Josiah, my son...what a blessing we saw in your little life. You brought the hope of Christ through the fifteen weeks you spent with us. Though you were gone before we ever had the chance to watch you grow, I know that God's plan for you was much greater than we will ever know. I don't understand why you and Cadyn had to go, but I trust the life you are living is joyous beyond my comprehension. The life I live is filled with mistakes and wrong turns, but I believe with all my heart that you and Cadyn were given to me as gifts from the Lord.

As I dream of my little champs dancing with Jesus, I am filled with peace knowing the life they are experiencing in heaven and the grace and mercy poured out by my Savior has spared them the pain and heartache of this world. As I journey on through the struggles and trials yet to come, I remember the gentle faces of Cadyn and Josiah. Though the dreams I had for them will never be, I am blessed with the opportunity to share the love of Christ with Gabriel and Grace and Grady as we travel together with their wonderful daddy and continue to experience the grace of our Father.

What I seen as good-bye in that hospital room was not really good-bye at all. It was merely See Ya Soon! The life I have here is not without purpose and though I struggle each day as I try to push through the pain and the emptiness I feel, I know that my path leads to eternity with Christ and a forever with my boys in heaven! See ya Soon my little Champs!

Cadyn Elijah

I don't know what God is doing, but I have to trust that what He is doing is good. I wrote this in the early hours of the morning, hoping to hear God speak to me about my heartache and pain...



Cadyn, My Angel

To my baby whom I carried
Yet I never saw your eyes.
Or show you all my love for you
Not even got to soothe your cries.

Our sweet Cadyn, we will not forget
The excitement we felt for you to come
Not holding you and cuddling I do miss
My heart feels broken, my soul numb.

Cadyn my angel, you are
Cadyn my angel, you'll always be.
Forever I will hold you in my heart
One day I will hold you in eternity.

My Josiah

I wrote this in August, just days after Josiah went home to be with Jesus.

For Josiah David


His little fingers, his little toes,
those little ears and his little nose.
All so perfect and so small.
I can't believe he never took a breath at all.

My heart is broken and I cry.
I feel so empty and can only ask why.
He was so beautiful, yet we know,
God was ready and he had to go.

Holding him close, wishing time would slow
There is a reason, but why we don't know.
God is sovereign and He has control
Yet wonder and question, my mind does roll.

Forever on my mind, I will never forget
Always in my heart, I will never regret.
You came to us on this summer day,
Forever with King Jesus is where you'll stay.