Storms Blowing Through

When I began this blog, I never expected I would have two sons to write and remember. The loss of Josiah was such a shock, I thought nothing in this life could ever compare to the pain I had experienced. I was wrong. I believe it is worse the second time around. A small part of me thought maybe it would be numbing to experience similar losses more than once. I guess the saying that all children are different applies here as well. My heart breaks as I think of that little face I held so close. I kissed him gently as I rationalized that it would be okay to let go because I will see him again one day and he will be Dancing with Jesus. I guess the reality of letting go didn't set in as I had anticipated. Subsequent losses only result in deeper pain and more questions. The 'why me' is still there but now I wonder if there is something my older children will deal with later in life because of their genes. Christ says, His grace is sufficient. I don't see His grace when I am in the moment, which makes it extremely difficult to recognize the grace being poured out on me.



I know He is always there and I know there are countless numbers of times when Christ has showered His grace and mercy on me. I look back and remember numerous instances when the winds of change blew from around me and yet the strength of Christ remained. How, then do I find the grace and mercy and power of Christ exhibited in my life now, when the greatest whirlwind of my life seems to be swirling around me?

Psalm 56:13 says, "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in you presence, O God, in your life-giving light." I know this life-giving light is right in front of me just waiting for me to grasp it. I see it yet so many days I glance at it and continue on, without realizing the peace and strength I have left behind. Christ tells us to take up our crosses and follow Him. Are we really naive enough to believe the crosses we bear are burdens we can carry on our own? You're kiddin' me, right... This life is but a vapor, a speck in the sight of eternity and yet we worry. God alone has rescued me and with Him as my Knight in Shining Armor, I have already won. Will I choose to take hold of what I have already been given or will I leave it behind and continue to carry that which is too weighty to bear?

Cadyn, my baby...no one will ever know the joy you brought, though you were here such a short time. Seeing your beautiful face, so peaceful. I cannot explain the enormity of thoughts and dreams I could see in your gentle face. Though those are dreams I had for you, the life that you are now living in eternity is the life you were made for. As I await the day when I hold you in my arms, I know that God will keep me focused on His prize so long as I keep my gaze on Him. You were, but once in the fold of my arms, but I will forever hold you in the depths of my heart.

Josiah, my son...what a blessing we saw in your little life. You brought the hope of Christ through the fifteen weeks you spent with us. Though you were gone before we ever had the chance to watch you grow, I know that God's plan for you was much greater than we will ever know. I don't understand why you and Cadyn had to go, but I trust the life you are living is joyous beyond my comprehension. The life I live is filled with mistakes and wrong turns, but I believe with all my heart that you and Cadyn were given to me as gifts from the Lord.

As I dream of my little champs dancing with Jesus, I am filled with peace knowing the life they are experiencing in heaven and the grace and mercy poured out by my Savior has spared them the pain and heartache of this world. As I journey on through the struggles and trials yet to come, I remember the gentle faces of Cadyn and Josiah. Though the dreams I had for them will never be, I am blessed with the opportunity to share the love of Christ with Gabriel and Grace and Grady as we travel together with their wonderful daddy and continue to experience the grace of our Father.

What I seen as good-bye in that hospital room was not really good-bye at all. It was merely See Ya Soon! The life I have here is not without purpose and though I struggle each day as I try to push through the pain and the emptiness I feel, I know that my path leads to eternity with Christ and a forever with my boys in heaven! See ya Soon my little Champs!