Steering the boat through the typhoon

Pain, anger, hurt, fear, resentment, peace, longing, sadness, joy, the list could go on and on.  As one wave subsides, another roars into view and as I am hit by the torrent of emotion, I must find a way to stay the course and keep my eyes on Jesus.  How?  Why?  Is it worth it?  Will I make it through? My heart is broken and some of the pieces that are gone, will be missing until I hold my sweet babies in heaven.  Other pieces could be reattached if I could only lean hard into Jesus and hold tight to His Truth.  Psalm 10:17 says, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."  My heart is broken and He knows.  I don't understand the reasons and maybe I never will.  Yet, I find it a struggle to cry out to Him because it is He who took my babies home.  They were His first and He loves them more than I could ever love them.

Recognition of His perfect will is difficult in the midst of such pain and sadness.  I feel the loss, yet Cadyn and Josiah are home.  I should not long for them to be back here, rather I long for the day when our family can be reunited as one when we are all at Home with Jesus.  I make plans and I reorganize my schedule and I plan where life should be going, but only He has the power to make it happen.  I am living the life He has given me.  It's not my right to direct the show.  When I take over, the show is cancelled and ratings fall.  Yet when I allow Him to be the director of my life, ratings soar and peace overwhelms my heart.

I know my boys are safe and they are forever in the care of our Savior.  I know Jesus will is perfect and the pain and sadness will be gone as I am reunited with them one day.  The emptiness will be filled and there will be no more tears.  Yet for now, I must continue to steer through the pain and keep my compass set on my Savior as I work out the life He has given me and care for the children He entrusted to my care.