Why God? I cannot handle all this pain. You are sufficient and Your power is made perfect in my weakness. So where are you? Why can I not feel you giving me a hug and empathizing with my pain? I loved those kids before I ever knew their gender and even when I thought I had come to terms with losing my baby Cadyn, you surprise me and reveal that she was a girl when we originally thought she was a girl. A heavy fog seems to blur my vision as I fight through each day and wonder if the fog will ever clear. It has been nearly two months and I still feel like I am drowning in sorrow. Josiah has been gone nearly ten months and his precious face is as clear in my memory as it was just shy of a year ago.
She said, "I'm sorry, hun. I just can't see a heartbeat. It should be here," she explained as she pointed to the lifeless form on the ultrasound screen. How could this be happening, I thought. Over and over I have listened and prayed and begged that God would give me the desire of my heart and I would once more carry a healthy baby and be given the honor of stewarding another precious child of the King. Over and over I have relived that memory and as much as I try to change how I see it, the nightmare never changes. No, this has to be wrong. It can't be happening again. Why? Not now...not ever!
As I face yet another realization that I cannot change what has happened, I recognize the echoes of peace and soveriegnty that have been resonating in my restless heart and mind. Christ understands the pain in a different way. He sacrificed His life in order to save me. I wonder if my babies sacrificed life on this earth so that I could live. The lupus and the newly diagnosed struggles with hyperthyroidism may have had something to do with Cadyn and Josiah going Home earlier than planned, yet the definitive answer will never be revealed this side of heaven.
I know God is going to use each and every fragment of my broken heart to bring Him glory, if only I will let go of the pieces and allow Him to put them together in His perfect will and allow others to benefit from the understanding and serenity that God will bring to my life when I surrender to my Savior and allow His hand to move in my life. My job is to get out of the way and let God use me as I learn and grow to be more like His precious Son, Jesus.
One day at a time, one step at a time I can see the light shining through the clouds in the midst of such turmoil in my heart and mind. II Cor. 1:3-4
Amber, you write so beautifully, even when what you write is from a broken heart. While your struggle is of a different nature than any of mine, I can identify with you on an important level: Choosing to trust God even when we cannot feel His presence. I remember thinking many times, "Lord-I know you are there because your word tells me you'll never leave me or foresake me, but WHERE ARE YOU? I can't find you." I remember feeling like I was stumbling in a dark room with my arms outstretched, trying desperately to touch Him, all to no avail. But I'll encourage you with this: I learned that His word is true. Psalm 118:71-72 says, "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decress. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold." Having read that before my "issues", I thought WHATEVER! But now I can say it and mean it. Thank you for sharing. Though you feel alone, you are not. I am praying for you and loving you, sweet sister in Christ. -Dusty
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