Fighting through the Burning Winds

Tonight I went to a website that a very dear friend of mine told me about and I began searching for understanding and company that can empathize with my hurts.  I found several women who have written beautiful poetry and memiors to their precious children.  Here is my answers to one of the precious hurting mamas who helped me feel normal tonight...

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

My precious baby Josiah went home to be with Jesus on August 7, 2008.  My beautiful princess, Cadyn was born into the arms of Jesus just eight months and one day after her big brother, on April 8, 2009.  My grief changes from day to day and though I have days when I think things are beginning to get better, not a single day passes when I don't think about my beautiful babies.  I also ended the life of my oldest son, T.J. on July 11, 2000 due to pressure from his father and fear of not being a good mother.  Every date that coincides with these losses brings back the full force pain and agony of these losses.  I don't think it gets easier, but I think the time that passes helps me see the precious memories I have of the first and last times I held my beautiful children.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

When I see pregnant women, I pray.  I don't want anyone to have to feel the pain and loneliness I feel walking through each day.  Many days I feel the loneliness and I feel like I have to drag myself through the thick pain and the deep hole that often engulfs my heart.  I love to know that God is still allowing children to be born and those parents are able to experience the glimpses of joy from heaven.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

My greatest source of therapy would be reading about and writing about my pain and the pain that others share.  I have been in counseling and understand that my precious babies are safe in the arms of Jesus and I don't have to worry about sickness or pain or struggles they may face because the love and peace they are experiencing in heaven is much more than I could ever have provided.  I also love to play volleyball and getting out on the court allows me to release pain in a constructive way.  Finally, snuggling my other children helps me to thank the Lord that T.J., Josiah and Cadyn will never feel pain and gives me peace and joy that one day we will be reunited in heaven when we will spend eternity with our precious Jesus