Rain on Me

Isaiah 45:8 says "You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. 
       Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; 
       I, the LORD, have created it."

Rain on Me, Jesus

by Amber Kimball

Walking a tightrope, not knowing where I'm headed,

Facing circumstances of the heart that I want to let go.

Hopes and dreams I once had, now appear shredded

And the pain I feel in my heart, I don't want to show.

As I waiver and I shake, I fear the fall below me.

Challenging winds and distractions pull me down.

Chains grip my heart though I long to be free,

No one can see it, pain surrounds me like a gown.

Bring me Your peace, Lord, show me your heart.

As I look inside myself I see only sadness

Reminders surround me and pierce like a dart.

Refusing to grieve can cause inevitable madness.

You set me apart when I accepted Your Son;

Is it Your will that I heal and use this to lead?

I have been given life, the sacrifice is done.

Am I living out my days as the soul that you freed?

I cherish the boys that right now I can't hold.

Josiah and Cadyn in my heart you are dear.

You were spared from the pain to walk streets of gold.

Rain on me Jesus, make my path to you clear.

Oh how I long to know all my kids and hold them and watch them as they grow.  Yet God took the boys before they took a breath.  He spared them the trials, the struggles, the pain.  He is the rightful owner, yet I tighten my grasp and hope I can hold out til the Day of our Savior comes to fruition.  Spare me the pain and if you can't, Lord help me endure the emptiness I feel as I work out my life and desire peace above understanding.

Grab Hold of the Raft

Tonight by Jeremy Camp

In this time, I know I need to be more broken.
Then I find, I feel this passion grow, to face all that's been lost.
It's not too late to give control now.  I don't know why I wait, 

You're always calling me.

Tonight, I will take my cross.  Tonight I will count the cost.
Tonight, I realize to take hold of  this very moment.

In this time, You draw me by these words You've spoken.
I feel inside, this neverending hope. 

I've placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You.  

The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me.
I will take this moment.  And I feel that it's closer.  

And I kneel to show You this desperate heart of mine.

It's time.  I have spent almost seven years searching for how to hear God speak to me.  This weekend I attended a leadership training for MOPS that has changed how I think about hearing from God.  One of the speakers said it is time to stop listening for the whispers from God and start paying attention to the echo He is sending me each and every day.  I wait and search for how He is speaking to me, but each day I miss how He is echoing His unquenchable love for me.  He loves me more than I could ever love anyone or anything.  He loves me beyond reason and beyond comprehension.  He loves me beyond the heights and depths, beyond the sky and further than the wind blows.  Why? Is this really a question I deserve to ask?  I have to say no.  I deserve punishment and restitution, but He chose to sacrifice His Son and His Son chose to come and be punished and beat and treated as a criminal so that I could reach a Father who loves me more than I deserve and cares more than I will ever comprehend.  I am desperate to know the love of our Savior and am ever searching for the reason.  The reason is because He loves me.  What more do I need to know?  God's Word tells us our hearts will never understand and yet I waste so much God-given time wondering why and attempting to figure it out.  He just wants my heart.  

He poured out His love for me through the blood of His Son.  He took on all my trash and never questioned my motives.  He knew what a mess I would be and yet He loves me anyways.  What do I want?  What do I need?  Nothing more than I already have.  I must make the choice to accept it.  Accept the love of my Savior and take hold of what is already mine...

Storms Blowing Through

When I began this blog, I never expected I would have two sons to write and remember. The loss of Josiah was such a shock, I thought nothing in this life could ever compare to the pain I had experienced. I was wrong. I believe it is worse the second time around. A small part of me thought maybe it would be numbing to experience similar losses more than once. I guess the saying that all children are different applies here as well. My heart breaks as I think of that little face I held so close. I kissed him gently as I rationalized that it would be okay to let go because I will see him again one day and he will be Dancing with Jesus. I guess the reality of letting go didn't set in as I had anticipated. Subsequent losses only result in deeper pain and more questions. The 'why me' is still there but now I wonder if there is something my older children will deal with later in life because of their genes. Christ says, His grace is sufficient. I don't see His grace when I am in the moment, which makes it extremely difficult to recognize the grace being poured out on me.



I know He is always there and I know there are countless numbers of times when Christ has showered His grace and mercy on me. I look back and remember numerous instances when the winds of change blew from around me and yet the strength of Christ remained. How, then do I find the grace and mercy and power of Christ exhibited in my life now, when the greatest whirlwind of my life seems to be swirling around me?

Psalm 56:13 says, "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in you presence, O God, in your life-giving light." I know this life-giving light is right in front of me just waiting for me to grasp it. I see it yet so many days I glance at it and continue on, without realizing the peace and strength I have left behind. Christ tells us to take up our crosses and follow Him. Are we really naive enough to believe the crosses we bear are burdens we can carry on our own? You're kiddin' me, right... This life is but a vapor, a speck in the sight of eternity and yet we worry. God alone has rescued me and with Him as my Knight in Shining Armor, I have already won. Will I choose to take hold of what I have already been given or will I leave it behind and continue to carry that which is too weighty to bear?

Cadyn, my baby...no one will ever know the joy you brought, though you were here such a short time. Seeing your beautiful face, so peaceful. I cannot explain the enormity of thoughts and dreams I could see in your gentle face. Though those are dreams I had for you, the life that you are now living in eternity is the life you were made for. As I await the day when I hold you in my arms, I know that God will keep me focused on His prize so long as I keep my gaze on Him. You were, but once in the fold of my arms, but I will forever hold you in the depths of my heart.

Josiah, my son...what a blessing we saw in your little life. You brought the hope of Christ through the fifteen weeks you spent with us. Though you were gone before we ever had the chance to watch you grow, I know that God's plan for you was much greater than we will ever know. I don't understand why you and Cadyn had to go, but I trust the life you are living is joyous beyond my comprehension. The life I live is filled with mistakes and wrong turns, but I believe with all my heart that you and Cadyn were given to me as gifts from the Lord.

As I dream of my little champs dancing with Jesus, I am filled with peace knowing the life they are experiencing in heaven and the grace and mercy poured out by my Savior has spared them the pain and heartache of this world. As I journey on through the struggles and trials yet to come, I remember the gentle faces of Cadyn and Josiah. Though the dreams I had for them will never be, I am blessed with the opportunity to share the love of Christ with Gabriel and Grace and Grady as we travel together with their wonderful daddy and continue to experience the grace of our Father.

What I seen as good-bye in that hospital room was not really good-bye at all. It was merely See Ya Soon! The life I have here is not without purpose and though I struggle each day as I try to push through the pain and the emptiness I feel, I know that my path leads to eternity with Christ and a forever with my boys in heaven! See ya Soon my little Champs!

Cadyn Elijah

I don't know what God is doing, but I have to trust that what He is doing is good. I wrote this in the early hours of the morning, hoping to hear God speak to me about my heartache and pain...



Cadyn, My Angel

To my baby whom I carried
Yet I never saw your eyes.
Or show you all my love for you
Not even got to soothe your cries.

Our sweet Cadyn, we will not forget
The excitement we felt for you to come
Not holding you and cuddling I do miss
My heart feels broken, my soul numb.

Cadyn my angel, you are
Cadyn my angel, you'll always be.
Forever I will hold you in my heart
One day I will hold you in eternity.

My Josiah

I wrote this in August, just days after Josiah went home to be with Jesus.

For Josiah David


His little fingers, his little toes,
those little ears and his little nose.
All so perfect and so small.
I can't believe he never took a breath at all.

My heart is broken and I cry.
I feel so empty and can only ask why.
He was so beautiful, yet we know,
God was ready and he had to go.

Holding him close, wishing time would slow
There is a reason, but why we don't know.
God is sovereign and He has control
Yet wonder and question, my mind does roll.

Forever on my mind, I will never forget
Always in my heart, I will never regret.
You came to us on this summer day,
Forever with King Jesus is where you'll stay.

Hurricane Clean-up

How does the wreckage of life pile up so quickly and so deep that I can barely search to find an airway? Just when I think God may be clearing a path so that there is a break in the devastation, we run into all new piles of trash and destruction to dig through and climb out of. When does God allow His people breathing room? When do the people who love Him and follow Him get a chance to rest in His grace and bask in His glory? I realize that heaven is the time and this is not the place, but a glimpse here and there would help strengthen hope and deepen the desire for eternity. It's never a good idea to get comfortable. Every time I start to think things may be turning around another wave crashes over me and I can't see the shore. It can be something as simple as a memory or something as major as losing my baby boys. God is sovereign and I have to remember this. Nothing I do or think do I have the possibility of viewing its results in 3D. However, God sees them from all angles and positions and knows the beginning and the end before I approach the thought.

When? In heaven. I am only granted glimpses of heaven through His grace and mercy. I get so caught up in my little piece of life that I forget that it's not really about me. It's not about what I do or say and nothing I can accomplish is seen as anything more than filthy rags to the Savior of my soul. He does not care about my good works or my striving toward being a 'good' person. Jesus wants my heart and that means my whole being, not just my mind or my spirit or my emotions. Christ is standing beside me and He is patient, never silent and always loving. I need only remember the heights from and the depths to which I have fallen to recognize the immeasurable love my Savior has for me.

When does the destruction cease? When does the hurricane end? Only God knows and in His sovereignty I must trust that He sees the big picture and in eternity I will see the masterpiece He has created through my ups and downs, my trials and my triumphs, my struggles and successes. Above all, He has created a precious daughter whom He longs to be in constant relationship with and desires nothing that I have. He just wants to know me. After all He has done and sacrificed for me, nothing I can do or give comes remotely close to comparison of the love and devotion I have been given. It was freely given, but at the cost of His life. How can I do anything but devote my life to serving Him and sharing the love He has for all His children with those who have yet to experience His perfect peace? Whatever brings you glory!

Pierced but not Crushed

When did other people's opinions become so vital to my mood? I guess I have spent most of my life trying to make other people happy and have a tendency to try to save people even if they don't want to be saved. However, lately the way people feel seems to affect my mood toward friends and family. It's difficult to stay focused on God when everything around me seems to be crumbling, yet I know that God is sufficient. Having your heart trampled on never becomes mundane, huh? No matter how many times it happens, the pain is real and the shock factor never fades. Persecution from people who don't trust the God I do seems to have less of an impact on me than it once did. I think the people who profess a love for Jesus and then puncture my heart is more damaging than those who live for themselves.

Typically, pregnancy has been the most joyful time as I anticipated the joy and love that I could share with the gift I was entrusted with. However, this time I have spent the past six weeks scared and hoping that God grants me mercy to care for this child here on earth. I am not sure when this fear will subside, but I know that God is sovereign and if He chooses to take this child Home before it is born I have the grace of God to get me through. Yet the pain and the anxiety are difficult to place in the hands of God. I know I have no control and that may be what makes the trust most difficult. I know God is good and I have to continue to rely on the truth that God is good. I don't understand and I don't begin to fathom the love He has for me or for the children He has entrusted to me. I would give my life for any one of them if it was necessary. Yet I often forget the fact that Christ already did.

Justification of the past has always been an escape route in my mind. However lately I have begun to realize the places that I was justifying were places along my journey when God was trying to get my attention and I was ignoring His call to me. I love the picture I imagine of God holding my precious boys who have gone to heaven and whispering in their ears the truth that no matter what it takes, I will be with them one day and no matter what the cost, I am His for eternity.

Proverbs 3:5-6 explains the past year...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

God spells it out for me and yet I lose sight of Him at every turn. Maybe one of these days I will learn to keep my eyes on His road...