As I walked into the hospital on Thursday morning, August 7th, 2008 I was calm and at peace. Why? I was about to give birth to a child that I would not get to hold and nurture, never would there be first steps, first day of school, first date, first ballgame...yet God gave me a sense of peace that I cannot understand to this day. It was just eerie how similar things were to a normal delivery. I was questioned the same way as a woman in labor. The nurse was very tense at first, which I didn't understand until later in the day. I joked around with my husband and made smalltalk with the nurse. The reality of what was happening was furthest from my mind. As the nurses got this inevitable process started, I was met by my little sister and my mom. My sis had worked all night and was sacrificing sleep to be with me on this bittersweet day. We talked, pain came and went, emotions ebbed and flowed.
Chad and I spent some time together in the beginning of labor and then he spent some time in the waiting room with my dad. My mom seemed to need some time away from the emotion and my little sister and I were alone in the room together. I tried to eat, I puked, she cleaned me up. I had to use the restroom, she unhooked me from the monitors and helped me hobble to the bathroom. God used a miserable experience to show me the bond that I knew was there with my sister and He strengthened my love and admiration for my sister. I spent some time alone with my mom that day. We talked and shared hugs. It was a sweet moment for me to be there alone with my mom. As the pain worsened, the morphine increased! I was so out of it that I vaguely remember Ashley telling me to push the button. I know that morphine is good stuff because once it got ahead of the pain, I felt no physical aches at all. The contractions were more emotional than ever. With each passing contraction, I felt God saying 'It's ok. I will care for this baby. You have to trust that I know what is perfect for you.' In the same contractions, I felt as if a piece of my heart were slowly being ripped out of my body.
The time came for me to deliver and Chad was overcome with pain only a father can understand. He and my dad spent time in the waiting room together. As the moment approached, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. What would the baby look like? How would I ever let go? Why did God take this child before it had a chance to live in this world? The questions were endless. As I spent those moments waiting for the birth of my child who was already dancing with Jesus, my mind spun to a point where I do not recall my thoughts. It was surreal how calm and quiet the room felt. It's funny, but I remember the sound of a mother and baby being united in another room for the first time. I envisioned the new momma with a smile brighter than the sun. I heard that little baby crying with the healthy lungs God had blessed it with.
At 4:09p.m. Josiah David came into our lives and changed the world as I look at it forever. He was beautiful. He was at peace. He was amazing. At 2.2 oz and just 6in. long, he had already developed traits that looked like each of his brothers and sister. What a perfect child! I remember peace in the midst of pain. I felt the hearts of an aunt and a grandmother crumbling for what would never be. I saw the beauty of three generations experiencing something that could never be taken from the hearts and minds of those involved. As I looked at his tiny, still body, I remember kissing his forehead and crying out to Jesus that I was so afraid and so sad. I don't remember all the emotions and I don't recall what words were spoken. I felt the love of my sister and my mother like never before.
My life had been changed by the life of a child that was 23 weeks short of full-term. I was shown the Sovereignty of our Lord and Savior in the storm of sadness and emptiness. Each one of us took our time holding and loving that precious child. How could I possibly give him all the love I had for him knowing that this was the first and last time I would see his sweet face and hold his precious body in my hands? Chad finally decided to come in and though he was overcome with emotion, I could only smile as I looked into his broken heart. I uttered the words, 'He's perfect.' I described his precious face and his perfect little toes and fingers. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to see his son. Why had he not wanted to experience this birth like he had all the others? It was not until later he shared his heart with me and the love and sincerity in his voice nearly knocked me over.
Ultimately Chad made the decision to hold his son and in the end decided to behold the beauty of our angel. It was at this time we decided we had to name him and though we had not talked about it before, both of us were shown the name Josiah. I don't remember why and I don't remember there being a specific reason, but it was perfect. As Chad began to speak his heart about a middle name, I felt God reach out and touch my soul. His middle name would be David, who was called a man after God's own heart. What more fitting a name could there be for our child that was spared the pain and suffering of a fallen world and given his place in heaven!?
The birth was over. We were given as much time as we desired to spend with our Josiah. After what seemed like just minutes, three hours had passed. We decided to say our good-byes and kiss our angel one last time. I knew deep down that God was giving me peace to say 'see ya later' because in Christ there are no good-byes. I knew I had to let him go and feeling at peace I told Chad it was time for me to let go because I knew if I didn't seize this opportunity that God was giving me, I would cling to the body of a child who was already enjoying eternity.
When does the pain subside? Never. How long does the hurt last? Until I hold him in my arms in the presence of Jesus. God gave us the blessing of an angel baby and I must praise Him for what is and what was. I knew that child only in my womb, yet he forever holds a piece of my heart.
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