Storms Arise

August sixth 2008 can arguably be marked the worst day of my life. I thought I was in the midst of a dream, which turned out to be a nightmare. I walked into the doctor's office that warm summer day thinking of all the dreams I had for the next several months as my belly grew and the life inside me became ready for this world. All the dreams of our family being complete and the next phase of life were diminished as I stared at the screen showing my baby...and no heartbeat. Was it something I had done? Maybe it's a mistake. There can't be anything wrong. God would not do this. Not now. Not after all we had been through. The second the image came on the screen, I knew deep in my soul that my baby was already in heaven and my hopes of knowing that precious child here were but a vapor. I had chosen to end the life of my oldest child. Was this my consequence of that horrible choice I made all those years ago? Questions swirled about all the reasons and all the things I could have done wrong or how I could have prevented such an inexplicable thing from happening. As I listened to the doctor explain what she was seeing, it was as if it didn't matter because no matter what I knew about why or how it would not change the finality: my baby was dead.

As I left the exam room, my emotions bottomed out. I entered the waiting room where my boys were waiting for me. How could I ever explain this? Every part of my being told me to stuff it away and put a smile on my face. And then I saw his face. My older son peered into my soul and as if he already knew, he asked 'what's wrong Mommy?' With three words, I exploded into a fireball of emotion. My youngest wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me. It was as if he knew and yet he had no clue how heartbroken I felt. As we walked to the van I felt sick. I felt as if someone had kicked me in the gut, knocked me to the ground and was grinding cleats into the depths of my soul. I made the call to tell my husband the tragedy that we were experiencing. God was with me because I didn't know that I could say the words. God spoke when I had no audible voice to tell my soulmate that our youngest child would not be spending life with us the way we had anticipated.

Throughout the rest of the day, I felt numb. I made the phone calls I needed to make so that people would know what had happened. I talked to the doctor and made arrangements to deliver the following day. We were having a baby and as hard as I tried, I could not fathom having a baby at 17 weeks. All those thoughts of what the baby would look like and how things would work and if I would handle it continued to rumble in my brain. I had made plans to go to dinner with some of my best girl friends to celebrate my birthday and all I could think was 'God please don't let them cancel on me.'

God answers prayers. We went to supper and laughed and cried. I spent time with them talking about broken dreams and sharing my heart with those who I prayed would never begin to understand the pain and the emptiness I was feeling. What I didn't realize is that the pain I was feeling was just a breeze in the storm I was about to experience. God was preparing me for the storm of my life and I was oblivious to the terrential downpour that was about to begin...