Happy Birthday Cadyn Jo!

Three years...has it really been that long!? I remember it like it was yesterday! God has given me such an incredible adventure to live. Do I feel the pain of losing my baby girl? Every day. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of what life would be like with my precious CJ. And yet God has blessed me with children to love and devote my time to that would not be a part of my life if Cadyn were here for me to raise. God has opened my eyes in so many ways over the past three years. I do not understand and yet I trust. I don't always like it, but I am not ashamed to say that I share that dislike with my Lord everytime it rears it's sometimes ugly head! Times have been tough and our walk has not been easy but my Lord has carried me through each difficult moment. As I reflect on the last three years, I am grateful. I am sad that I do not have my baby here for my selfish reasons, yet I am so thankful she is perfect and righteous and has to feel no pain.

Life comes at you in ways you don't expect. The storms of life blow in and in a moment the warm sun has been overshadowed by the dark clouds of pain and the winds of adversity blow but the strength of my Lord has held me to the ground and kept me steadfast on the path to heaven. I am not saying life has been all roses! Far from it actually. Yet the promise of seeing my precious Cadyn has given me something to look forward to when the wind blows and the rain is pelting my face.

Are you facing the rains and winds of life? I know the weather can be such a stress for my body because of the changes it invokes when my muscles ache and my joints get stiff. But how much does the weather of my spirit influence my daily life! When I invite the Lord to walk through my day, the tornadoes of pain and fear can swirl and yet the weather in my soul is clear and beautiful. Take heart, my friend. The joy of the Lord can always bring the warmth of the Son!

Life is no fun

January 2012...where are you? I remember all those years ago sitting in school, daydreaming about where I would be when I was a 'grown-up' and had a career. Did I ever daydream I would be caring for twelve toddlers? Nope. Did I ever imagine I would have six children by the time I was 30? Not a chance! Would I have written my story differently? Better? Well, I can definitely say I would have left out a few of the painful moments, and probably would have avoided some of the mistakes, but if I were presented with the opportunity to do life over, I can not honestly say I would want to do it differently. My life has been a rollercoaster of trials and triumphs. Jubilation and tribulation. Joy and Sadness. Pain and perserverance. One thing for sure, it has not been dull. Just last week, my four year old complained before bed that he was unsatisfied with the day and was not ready for bedtime. He attributed his dissatisfaction to a lack of 'funness' and whimpered as we climbed the stairs to bed that he could not sleep without having some 'funness' first! Do I ever look back at my life dissatisfied? Do I complain to God and whimper that my life does not have enough funness? When did we get this insane idea in our heads that life is suppose to be fun? God tells us from the beginning that life is going to be hard. He promises that there will be trouble, but he reminds us that we are not alone and in this life we must remember that He and ONLY He has overcome all the worlds' troubles. Adults spend millions of dollars and countless hours trying to make life fun, trying to forget the troubles that we all must face. But why? Wouldn't it be easier and let's face it, a whole lot less work, if we all agreed that life is hard and sometimes we must deal with having absolutely zero 'funness' but that doing this life together as friends and co-travelers would bring us true joy. I need true hope, true joy; I don't need some artificial happiness any more than I need artificial sweetners. I need the real thing! I want to know that the joy in my life comes from the True Source and that no matter what happens and no matter what my troubles may be there will be triumph in the end. Everything, everyone, everywhere is set here on this earth, in motion or at rest, for the glory of God.

I heard a story on the radio today about Joni Erickson Tada. She was talking about the strength to perservere and the details of her life in which God has been present. Did you know that she trusts and believes that God was so interested in her that He was involved in the details of her life down to the color of her hair? You see, Joni is a quadrapalaegic. She was injured in a diving accident many years ago that left her in a wheelchair. The day prior to this accident she died her hair with peroxide. At the moment of the accident, her sister jumped into the water to save her life because she noticed the bright blonde color of her hair. Had she not dyed her hair the day before, her sister doesn't know that she would have noticed Joni face down in the water. Can you believe it? A quadrapalaegic woman who is so devoted to serving the Lord Jesus, she believes that God was involved in the color of her hair!! I don't know about you, but I don't think 'funness' would be on the list of words for Joni when she thinks back to that day. And yet, the God of the universe, the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, Almighty God, our Creator, the Maker of Everything had a hand in the details of Joni Erickson Tada's life from the way she would spend her life and the ministry she would have due to her challenges as a quadrapalaegic and He was interested in the color of her hair!

Life is no fun. I agree. Life is not fun. God didn't intend for it to be this way. Yet He has a plan. He loves me and He knows the details of my life. Even when I don't like the details He knows what each one is for and He knows why each one has its place in my life. My outlook on life has changed so much over the course of the past year. I have no idea where the next year will take me and I have no idea what path God will lead me on. I heard the saying just recently, I don't know what the future holds, but I know that One who holds the future. I often forget that I have no reason to worry and fret because the One holding my hand is also the One holding my future. I guess that's why it's okay for life to hold no 'funness' for me. I don't have control of the levels of 'funness' in my life and right now I'm very thankful for that.

"Just because her eyes don't tear, doesn't mean her heart don't cry.
And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong."

God be with me as life takes its turns through the cave of No Funness...

Overflowing

So, I have been thinking about this post for some time now. I kept thinking I needed to write and get it off my chest and share my heart but I often sit down in the comfort of my computer chair and I find myself over-analyzing, checking, rechecking, questioning and rewording everything I write. I am not a professional writer, though I aspire to be. I am not as articulate as I would like to be, though I would like to think I could have an intelligent conversation. I enjoy writing, though I find myself faced with wording the thoughts in my head to make sense when they come spilling out. You know those papers we had to write back in high school that would seem really easy and then once the outline and main ideas were there, the details seemed just a bit sketchy or it didn't flow just right? Maybe that was just me. Anyways. Whenever I sit down and try to write, I tend to think through the outcome of the total composition rather than writing and enjoying the experience. I love to write. Love it!!

As I think about many of the times in the past I have written, I think of the experiences I have had, dealt with, enjoyed and endured in my life. As I have embarked on a new chapter in my life, I have become more retrospective and have approached each day with a different outlook. I have begun to see each day as independent in it's own right, but connected to a larger picture much like the many colors involved in an artwork. Each color is beautiful in itself, yet combinations and mixtures bring vibrancy to the artwork as a whole. I have good days that are really, really good. I have bad days that are really, really bad. Yet I know that I am given each new day to make choices and decisions that will affect the journey through my life.

What am I babbling about, you are probably thinking...

I have been thinking a lot about the people who have been with me in each experience that comes to mind. I am humbled and honored to think of the friends and family who have been by my side through all the experiences. Most recently I think of the new friends I have made as I have begun my trek through life as a working mom. Nothing could have prepared me for the depth of relationships I would build in such a short time. I have made some of the most amazing friends whom I am thankful have been there with me as I skip, run, or cry my way through each day. Is this a secondary result of my newfound career or are the friendships the reason God placed the opportunity in front of me at this time? Many times I have questioned and analyzed my way through experiences similar to this one. I always have the reminder in the back of my mind that friends come and go, many times only staying for glimpses of the journey. Not this time, at least I don't think anyways!

I have felt an overwhelming sense of joy and thankfulness for my dear friends who have walked this journey with me. Those still walking and those who have taken a different path through life. I appreciate each friend who has impacted my life. I am grateful for you all. I am thankful for those who have come and gone and I am honored and humbled to have those of you who are still embarking on this travel experience. Thank you to each of you for the blessings you have been to me. Forever I will be honored to call you friends. Thank you for being you and helping me to continue growing and learning who I am and who I am being molded into.

Thank you friends. Each of you know who you are!!!!

Hello & Goodbye

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth you are weeping

for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"

and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone

with you at your board, remember that the

other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between

your sorrow and your joy."

-Kahlil Gibran

As I sit here reminiscing of the past year, I find myself browsing the library of my mind as I picture sorrow and joy pulling one another in their preferred direction. Are they fighting? Are they working together? Is it love? Is it war? So many things have come to pass. A chapter has been closed in my life and a new one opened. I say hello to a new year full of opportunity and promise, but in that say goodbye to another year of life. Another year of growth and another year of struggles. So many things have changed and facing the future seems scary and uncertain. I wonder as I watch the flashes of life whizzing by, have I captured every opportunity that God has given me to share His hope? Have I missed the possibilities to relive the memories of the past? Friends have moved away, family has met and made memories. My career as stay-at-home mom came to a screeching halt as I dove headfirst into the population of moms working outside their homes. I was asked so many times, how I could handle every day at home with the kids. Most popular question: "What do you do all day?" Are you kidding? I loved being at home and would not give back a single day of enjoying the growth and changes of my precious children. As I catapulted myself into the career world, I felt like a freshmen walking into my first day of high school classes. I was new to the school and the school was new to the district. Everyone in the building had consolidated from three different schools. Everyone, that is, except me. Walking into my first day of work released an inequivalent feeling of anxiety and fear. Twelve children, 18 months to 2 years old, looking up at me with the same look of fear. Each of their precious faces painted with terror. Three months later, I feel a sense of responsibility to these precious children. Not like the feelings for my own children. The responsibility of influencing the children that look to me for love when their sad, compassion when they're hurting, discipline when they are searching for boundaries; these children come each day looking at the world as a blank canvas. When did I lose the ability to look at each day as new and unique to none other?

As my mind is wandering, I think back to the different holidays and gatherings experienced over the past year. Kids are a little older, parents are a little wiser. Yet when we gather together, its as if I am in high school again and we are getting ready to eat a meal together. We have changed and we have grown. We have said hello to new adventures and said goodbye to those whose journey was complete. I have celebrated anniversaries of times past and have dreamed of reunification one day soon. What does this all mean? I have run through several bunny trails on this blog through my mind. Yet I am right back to the point at which I began. What does the next year hold? New adventures? Deepening friendships? Memories made and journeys successful? Goodbye 2010 and thank you for the memories. Hello 2011! What do you hold for me? I took the plunge nearly 10 years ago to devote my life to the Lord Jesus. On Sunday, I will celebrate a new life (2 Cor. 5:17) and grieve the results of choices made as a child that should only be made by an adult. I know the key to my future and I know the future is held with the key. He will unlock the door of the new year and I will continue on my journey to His kingdom and my Home.

I pray the start of a new year is every bit as refreshing as the cool breeze on a warm spring day. I don't know what the future holds, but I know the One who holds the future!

God bless you as you go into the new year!

I will, will you?

What drives you? Where do you find your energy and your passion? What gives you goosebumps and makes your heart skip a beat? I think of a time in highschool, being an athlete, when I walked out of the lockerrooms heading for the gymnasium. I could smell the popcorn and hear chatter from the children in the halls. As we walked to the single door where we would enter the battle zone, I remember the silence I felt in my heart and the indescribable energy in my bones. The door snaps open, our team begins to jump, feeling the energy from one another and allowing adrenaline to urge us on as if each of us held a piece of the fire and alone we were a spark, but together we are a forest fire of confidence and anticipation. Just as we cannot hold the energy anymore, the announcer comes over the speakers and we burst forth onto the court, cheers and applause feeding the fire. On that day, in that moment, we were on top of the world. We were champions before the battle begun.

An athletic analogy, yes! Would you expect anything less? I reminisce about this experience and wonder, where is the fire and anticipation in my spiritual life? Each morning before my feet touch the floor, God is giving me the opportunity to burst into the battle zone of life and face each day of this life with the confidence of knowing Christ is the champion and the battle has already been won. Will we choose to live as champions and push forward to a 'game' that's already decided or will we shrink back and play not to lose?

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection, becoming like Him each day and knowing Him more every minute. I catch myself doing to please Him, when all I truly need to do is know Him. Many references to sports are made in the Word and so many times as I go through the day I forget that the battle has been won. Will I stand up and meet Christ in my every day that God has given me? Will I find my strength in the One who is strength? Will I be the encourager He created me to be and find my true identity in the Lord?

I will. Will you?

The Ants Go Marching

Have you ever studied a group of ants? They look as if they are scurrying around aimlessly, hurrying from one place to the next with no real agenda and no marked out path for them. If you watch long enough, you can begin to recognize a reason for the 'wandering' and a purpose for the hurrying that's been done. A path may never be established and the specific direction may not be realized, but the direction is not important and the detours, no many how many they face are accepted and overcome with no mountain (or shoeprint) too big to stop them and no monster (or child) too big to slow them down!

Although I don't have a lot of free time to sit and study the employment pattern of ants, I do have a sweet little guy who loves to watch ants, bugs and any other little crawly thing that will let him. Try as he might, those ants just keep moving forward to accomplish their goal and complete their task. My little Grady stomps into their little world and spreads the ants apart and away from their duties leaving the anthill looking like the beaches of Normandy, but give them time and the troops are back on their paths and pushing forward to complete their job.

What the heck does this have to do with anything? We are like these ants in many ways. We get caught up in what we are going through and the hurt in our lives. We focus on the path we have in mind and no many how many times our path is changed or the obstacles grow in front of us we march back to our own agenda. On the other hand, God may put us on a path and His desire for us is to enjoy the journey we are on, but all we can do is press forward and not take our eyes off the path. We wander through the desert, missing the blessing and the portion He has placed in our lives, only to whine about the distance we have left to go. Do we stop and look around? Nope, just keep pushing through with the blinders on and don't stop to see what's around, rather than awakening the eyes to the beauty and majesty of the land.

So, now that I have compared all of humanity to ants where does that lead? Exodus 15:13 tells us "In Your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In Your strength You will guide them to Your holy dwelling." I am a redeemed child of the King and though I am as ill-focused as the next redhead, I am trusting in the unfailing love of my Father to lead me. And, in the depths of my pain and the throws of my lupus ravaged body, it is His strength that is shining through my weakness to guide me into His arms. Why do I waiver? Like the ant, I focus on my own duty and lose sight of those around me. Conversely, I wander forward unaware of the surroundings and the blessings God has placed by my side. When I push, I should pull. When I wait, I should go forth. My intentions are good, but my focus is off. I get so caught up in the job I need to do, I forget who my Employer is. I get so determined to finish, I lose sight of the joy in the journey. People are the purpose and saving grace is my security. So, why do I get so caught up in the details and forget the relationship? I am a sinner, saved by the unfailing love and strength of my Father. God has given me a job to do and I cannot help but desire to complete His task for my life. My Lord has given me grace beyond measure and I can grasp a glimpse of His face in my family. Jesus has given His very life and I deserve death. What can I do, but honor Him with my life?

Lord,
You have given me life. I can give nothing and do nothing to begin to compare the love and loyalty radiating from Your Word. God You gave everything in the gift of Your Son. Not only did He save my life, He completed the justice needed for You to remain holy. Words are weak and weary in comparison to You. I deserve death, yet You chose life. Thank you for choosing life for me. Be magnified in my life Lord. Allow those who walk beside me to recognize You. Use me Lord Jesus. Use me. Somehow, somewhere. Move me, Lord. As the ant moves on his mission, move me on Your path. Without you, I am nothing. With you, there are no limits, not even the sky!
In the majestic name of Jesus Christ,
amen

Broken and Beautiful

I have been through things that have broken my life. And I trust Him to never leave me there. He is the Father who will pick me up when I am fallen, broken, hurt, tired. And He is the Father who fixes me in those broken places. He fixes my spirit, my heart, my sadness, my loneliness. He brings joy and peace and refuge so I am stronger now than before I was broken.

He watched the pieces fall apart, but only so He could put me back together the right way. When life happens and I feel like things are falling apart, breaking into pieces, I just remind myself that He can’t fix what isn’t broken and He often breaks me in order to shape me into the woman He created me to be. Those places that are broken may not have been broken by Jesus, but each and every time a part of me is broken He comes to restore me and renew me. He comes not to glue the pieces back together, but to use the pieces to build a masterpiece created my Father and known to Jesus before the beginning of time. Some things are broken due to the residual effects of sin in another person's life. Maybe we are the recipient of sin's consequences that we didn't commit. That hurts, and it's hard. It stings and the pain will pour forth, yet He is building on the foundation of the Lord and the promises of His Word.

The props have been pulled out from under me this week. Not the seen ones, like relationship, finances, my home. But the unseen ones, the false ones I've made with my own hands. Fear has come to visit, sneaking through the cracked back door rather than knocking at the front. And he secretly tried to steal away Truth before I even knew he was in the house. He is so crafty, that I take him on as my very identity: I am Afraid, I hear myself say. And in the saying, I practice the presence of Fear, rather than rest in the safety of God. Jesus says His spirit within me is one of power, love and a sound mind. But He whispers, while Fear screams. Fear screams for me to run away. But God beckons me, Come. Fear pushes me to perfectionism.

But God whispers I have already overcome.

And so I stand on the Rock and watch as the sand sinks swiftly down. To be love-led rather than fear-driven is to stand on the rock. Where are my feet today?

I am reminded of the saying, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and I wonder aloud as I make my way through the toys and the clothes of my workplace, "who is my beholder?" Am I letting Christ hold me or am I struggling to hold myself up knowing my strength is fleeting. Contrary to what our media/culture has to say, my Lord loves me and made me the way He desired. The pain and brokenness of my life and of my past are details in His painting and the Lord has made everything good. He has fulfilled His promise to bring beauty out of ashes and release from darkness for prisoners! I am free and I pray that each day I am becoming more like my savior, beautiful!

~We all fall short. We all have sinned. But when you let God's grace break in... It's beautiful, Beautiful. Come as you are, surrender your heart. Broken and Beautiful. ~Mark Schultz